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Attack on Installation 06, part 21

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 11:52 am    Post subject: Attack on Installation 06, part 21 Reply with quote

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Attack on Installation 06, part 21
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
21 May 2009, 11:35 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0521092335531.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2009 9:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The dearth of comments is a little weird - I guess there's an inverse relationship between the number of submissions and the amount of attention people pay.

Anyway, once again, you put out a very strong chapter. Honestly, it wasn't quite your best, but still excellent. I particularly love the interaction between the Admirals (btw it's "Lord Admiral" not "Sir Admiral") and Half-Jaw - uneasy peace that threatens to erupt at any moment. You convey the tension beautifully. Also, the poker thing was really funny.

I have mixed feelings about the Elite pilots. On the one hand, you provide an astonishing amount of character development for what are essentially redshirts, which is a really great thing. On the other hand, while you do give a kind of explanation, I'm still not really happy with the human-ish chatter. You get points for dressing it up in flowery language, though.

Hmm. "Racetrack?" I guess you really have been watching a lot of BSG.

I do have a couple of criticisms. You have a couple of stylistic shifts between short, punchy sentences and run-ons, especially at the beginning of paragraphs. Pick either adjective-heavy or adjective-light and stick to it. Now, a lot of people will tell you that tons of adjectives are bad. I say, screw those people Razz . Also, references to modern movies? Yeah. Don't.

Aside from those little bits, this was yet another great addition to your story. And I'm pleased to see you've heeded the advice about writing more than a thousand words per chapter Smile .
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