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Of (Some) Consequence

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 11:52 am    Post subject: Of (Some) Consequence Reply with quote

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Of (Some) Consequence
Posted by SeverianofUrth
21 May 2009, 5:38 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=SeverianofUr0521091738191.html
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 12:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Look's at the title.*

I see what you did there. Laughing Razz
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 2:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dunno wut u talkin bout. Laughing
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That title took me on a trip in the way back machine.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sun May 24, 2009 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

SeverianofUrth wrote:
Dunno wut u talkin bout. Laughing


Me neither. Only, actually. Heh.

My, Sev, you've been prolific lately. You make me feel like a bum.

This was a pretty short one, and pretty straightforward for a Sev fic. You did a good job, as usual, of making us feel the story and all the gritty details. Anna going about her business seemed to have some real weight behind it - when she reached for the box, I could almost feel the strain myself. Your description of the young soldier's injuries was similarly well done. A whole history of wounds - not just bruises and abrasions, but burns and and half-dressed cuts. Anna's haphazard attempts at treating her made her both human and down-to-Earth.

The ending was suitably grim and well done technically. However, her summary execution seemed like a bit of a forced device to elicit our shock. They did not take her back to base, if only to make an example of her? How will the other soldiers know she had been found?

In the end, this was a solid piece, but not your best. I just didn't get the full force of the desired effect like I usually do with your work. You might have been better served by making this a tad longer, and making us care at least a little about the soldier - even if that wasn't the point at all.

- Arthur
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon May 25, 2009 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The ending was suitably grim and well done technically. However, her summary execution seemed like a bit of a forced device to elicit our shock. They did not take her back to base, if only to make an example of her? How will the other soldiers know she had been found?


The main reason I did that was because I thought there would be many such deserters, and they lacked the manpower to deal with them appropriately. Hence the summary executions--although I can see how awfully predictable I am, in sticking to violent endings. Laughing I'll write about unicorns next time.

Quote:
In the end, this was a solid piece, but not your best. I just didn't get the full force of the desired effect like I usually do with your work. You might have been better served by making this a tad longer, and making us care at least a little about the soldier - even if that wasn't the point at all.


I actually had the soldier's POV written halfway through, but it just didn't fit. First off, she had lost her hearing, and it was a bit difficult writing from that perspective. I was making good progress, but holy shit am I lazy sometimes.

Thanks as always for the review.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Mon May 25, 2009 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, as you can tell from the Fic Pick. But I agreed with Arthur initially. I didn't think the ending especially made sense. But after thinking it over it seems more reasonable, pretty much because, as you said, they wouldn't have the manpower to deal with wounded deserters. That was my only real complaint, though.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2009 6:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Poor, fat Anna... now what's going to happen to her?
Simple and moving. I didn't care that they executed the girl right then and there... humanity is fighting a war, no? No time to bother with deserters - fight or die. Er, fight and die? Fight and die or die.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Thu May 28, 2009 5:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Poor, fat Anna... now what's going to happen to her?


She'll probably die.
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