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hboff
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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 Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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I like it!
This kept me enthralled from the beginning; you have a way with simple storytelling with spaced details that makes me want more, in a good way.
Other people will have more to say about how this is, but I have a little problem with the Pelican attack. I don't think plasma can carry shrapnel, unless it's not firing plasma at the Pelican, but that wouldn't make sense for Covenant weaponry.
Even Brutes use anti-air Wraths.
But, otherwise, another great installment CaptainRaspberry!
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.
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| Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 7:31 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the drop scene, but I think it could have used a bit more characterization when you were describing all those other guys' social backgrounds.
What bugged me though,
| Quote: | | It was February 2549 when I was heading down to Tulane, and it would be December 2551 before I headed back up; I talked to my fellow rocketeers, idle conversation, for about five minutes before they both died horribly. |
It's the kind of temporal intervention that gets in the way of fluent description. It just needed a more present-tense wording. That's just me, though.
| Quote: | | tearing a hole through my neighbor's throat and the other man's brain |
Can you actually see his brain? I mean sure, once it gets through the skull it punctures the brain, but you can't see the brain unless it spattered out of his skull. Just "tore a hole through the man's head" is good. 
Good job, otherwise. |
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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Location: UNSC Frigate September
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| Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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First of the batch I've read, and loved it. Gonna get to more in the Fic Pick, but just wanna say, Gallagher, he never said the shrapnel was from the round, coulda been the other Pelican, and Trooper, this is done in a colloquial style. Brain probably works better for it.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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| Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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Ahh, good point, but I just assumed that from reading the lines.
Details will always help, Captain. 
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Jake Trommer
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| Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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Can't wait for Kabu to read this...
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kabu
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| Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 11:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | there were some other weirdoes on that flight, including one twitchy guy with a couple of fire extinguishers strapped to his legs, but none really worth mentioning. |
Har dee frakking har. You're a funny guy  .
I liked this chapter a lot. A couple of run-on sentences, but then again, I live on run-on sentences. You really set the atmosphere of confusion and panic very nicely. I would say that the dark humor in this one was a little too dark, but that's just me.
Frogblast the ventcore. I see what you did there.
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CaptainRaspberry
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Joined: 20 Mar 2009
Posts: 57
Location: Littleton, MA
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| Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 4:08 am Post subject: |
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| kabu wrote: | | Quote: | | there were some other weirdoes on that flight, including one twitchy guy with a couple of fire extinguishers strapped to his legs, but none really worth mentioning. |
Har dee frakking har. You're a funny guy . |
Just some playful ribbing, hoped you wouldn't mind. People have pointed out our stories' similarities enough that I figured I'd give you a nod.
| (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher wrote: | | Other people will have more to say about how this is, but I have a little problem with the Pelican attack. I don't think plasma can carry shrapnel, unless it's not firing plasma at the Pelican, but that wouldn't make sense for Covenant weaponry. |
KR is right: the shrapnel is from the other Pelican exploding. Originally I was going to come up with something else, but I realized much the same as you that plasma doesn't throw off shrapnel.
As to your anti-air Wrath comment, I have only to say that the Covenant were using batteries like the one you have to destroy in Halo 3 to shoot down high-altitude targets like the Pelicans.
| kabucopter wrote: | | Frogblast the ventcore. I see what you did there. |
Do you? Do you really?
Shit, I forgot that "frogblast" was one word.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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| Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 12:21 am Post subject: |
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Alright, cool.
Only problems I had with the piece were cleared up. Superb job yet again, Cap'n!
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Arthur Wellesley
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Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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For parts 4 + 5:
We're damn lucky to have you, Raspberry. You're a very fine writer. I'm glad to see we're still able to attract talent here at ol' HBOFF.
With regards to part 4, for which I'll say a few words: I think I see what you were doing with Man-Man, contrasting a crazy, fearless soldier with his comrades who were all just trying to survive. I think, however, you could have done a better job at describing why the letters had such an effect on him. That the letters seemed to inspire superhuman feats didn't seem all that justified with the character or the context. Otherwise, very well written: clean, readable, and dryly comical.
Part 5 was clearly the superior piece of the two. The terror of the protagonist was well described and fitted out with little details that really brought it home, such as his reciting of lists and rules and such as he descended in the Pelican. The action aboard the Pelican was brilliant, predicted as it was by the narrator's hindsight. The deaths of those two Marines really felt just awful and useless, killed by a random AA hit before reaching the service. This passage:
| Quote: | | As I tried to help stop the blood flow from coming out of my neighbor - still can't remember his name - I couldn't keep my eyes off the man across from me. There was a whole straight through his head, yet God wasn't merciful enough to take him. He just sat there, perfectly upright, and if you could ignore the gaping head wound and the nonsense that he babbled at us, he seemed completely fine. All the words he spoke were real words, not slurred at all, but they made no sense together. |
literally made me bite my lip as I read it. That's an awful fate perfectly described. You really capture the unrelenting and futile shittiness of war like few others.
Your other persistent commentary - that of the coldness and silliness of military bureaucracy - also shone through here. Poor old Holiday wandering around clutching a little slip of paper had the smell of reality about it. And this concluding passage:
| Quote: | | That day we met Captain Kendrick Graves, our platoon CO, as he promoted McClure to sergeant-in-command of first squad and shook my hand for my part in fending off the attack. Not for success, he said, but for effort. |
was, like much of your writing, depressingly funny.
As kabu mentions, there are a few rough edges to your writing, but overall you have a readable and engaging style.
Great work. I anticipate what comes next.
- Arthur
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