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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 205
Location: Nowhere in particular.
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 Posted: Fri May 08, 2009 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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To be perfectly honest, this isn't my favorite chapter. Don't get me wrong, it was excellent, but there are a couple problems. There are a few clumsy lines near the top that break the flow a bit. Example -
| Quote: | | Among us, Corporal Valenzuela had a bloody bandage over his shoulder, which was the cause of an unusually high amount of cursing from him: |
"Which was the cause of" seems a bit awkward. The narration seems a bit inhumanly dry sometimes, especially the bit about "corpses handing out the mail." It works, but it could have a bit more punch.
You're starting to get a little too derivative of O'Brian, in my opinion. I seem to remember an almost identical chapter, about a man who was invincible as long as he had his girlfriends, ah, memento, until she broke up with him. And the scenario is a bit ludicrous - remember, it was pretty tricky in the games to take out a Hunter on Legendary with a pistol, and that was a 2000 pound cybernetic killing machine. It was hard to keep suspension of disbelief, there.
Things I really did like:
The non-linearity of the storyline, while a bit confusing at first, works really well. The idea of the Mongoose gunner being dead, but alive in this story, with the callback to your first chapter adds a lot of depth to the story. I like the description of the different letters and packages the soldiers get, and their ecstatic reaction to the mail call. Except for the times it gets a little too dry and maybe a tiny bit overwrought, your narration is excellent and engrossing. This was definitely a good chapter, just not quite up to your usual stuff in my opinion.
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.
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| Posted: Fri May 08, 2009 3:35 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with kabs on the blatant showing-not-telling bits. The narration could have used more in-universe description rather than narrator intervention.
I've only read a few of your chapters (lazy fatass that I am), but I really like the way you concentrate on the ordinary guys and the squad. Your description contrasts the members of the squad (the sissy girl medic, the wounded private, etc.) really well, and it creates a very enjoyable fictional perspective. Like some of the characters could actually have the same mentality as the reader. It's always pleasant to see these types of stories popping up here rather than stereotypical action fiction.
8/10 - and the 8 there is kind of biased since I haven't read your entire series. It should be more. Well done.  |
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
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| Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this, the ending in particular. Sure, the Hunter thing is a bit over the top, but I get that it's supposed to be. My only real complain was one sentence where you used parentheses, and it just seemed out of place and kind of tacked on. Probably would've worked better as it's own sentence on its own line.
Good work. And add me to the list that likes the non-linearity.
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Jake Trommer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 63
Location: An express elevator to Hell, going down
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| Posted: Thu May 14, 2009 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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That's an intense piece, Raspberry, and a good one to boot. I take it you're a Tulane alumni? It's where my father went, too.
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CaptainRaspberry
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Joined: 20 Mar 2009
Posts: 57
Location: Littleton, MA
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| Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 1:07 am Post subject: |
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| Jake Trommer wrote: | | I take it you're a Tulane alumni? It's where my father went, too. |
Actually no, I'm at UMass. I came up with the name Tulane randomly, and was surprised to find out just a little bit later that it was a university. Just a happy coincidence.
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