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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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kabu
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 Posted: Fri May 08, 2009 2:17 pm Post subject: |
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This was really sweet. I mean, normally I would be bashing you for the formatting issues (break up the paragraphs or keep them together, not both), and the taking off the helmet out of character and stuff, but come on. The bit where the Chief flinches when he is touched was especially good. Little bits like that really make the story. A little stuffed bunny rabbit and... and... aw...
I think I have something in my eye.
The opening line sets a tone for the piece that contrasts nicely with the bittersweet ending, too.
Of course, if I wrote this story everyone would die horribly in the end. And if Sev wrote it... well, it's best not to dwell on that.
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
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Location: The Hobbit Hole
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| Posted: Sat May 09, 2009 8:46 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks!
The formatting is an issue, I know: I'm normally quite fussy about it, but I generally write using Google Docs, which has a notoriously bad HTML export option. I was quite tired by the time I submitted it, and really couldn't be bothered to plough through it replacing all the instances of <div> </div> with the appropriate formatting (Find and Replace is surprisingly awkward, and I couldn't beat Google's, OpenOffice.org's, or gedit's, into replacing something with nothing).
[[working register dump:: MUST SPEND MORE TIME IN FUTURE ON THE PREVIEW PAGE]]
The story is very much open to interpretation, but if you wish to comply with my particular interpretation, think carefully about the title. And childhood. And memories.
Thanks once again for the comment. |
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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| Posted: Sat May 09, 2009 9:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Thought it was a wonderful story as well. The formatting is simple to fix, and hope you submit more in the future. |
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The 14th Wonder
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Joined: 31 May 2008
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| Posted: Sat May 09, 2009 11:13 pm Post subject: |
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Well obviously the formatting is an issue. You needed to indent each paragraph (which is a pain with the code system but it's a necessary evil) and line breaks between your paragraphs (that goes for each segment of dialogue, too). As far as I could tell, your GPS (it's how the cool kids say "grammar-punctuation-spelling") was really solid which is something that can't be said for the great majority of rookie writers on HBOFF (I'm a rookie myself but I do well, too  ) . My only little beef is here:
| Quote: | The Master Chief stood up, and turned away.
To be met by a woman's hand on his chest, strangely tangible through the layers of the armour. |
I would change the period to an ellipsis or ", only" or even just a comma. But again, that's not a big issue.
Moving right along...
I liked it. The kinder, gentler side of our favorite cyborg isn't something we see often. I feel like you pulled it off just right. You kept a not-so realistic-to-the-Haloverse story from seeming ridiculous at all and that's not easy. It made for an enjoyable and interesting read. Hope to see more from ya soon. |
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eb4642
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| Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 10:17 am Post subject: |
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| The 14th Wonder wrote: | My only little beef is here:
| Quote: | The Master Chief stood up, and turned away.
To be met by a woman's hand on his chest, strangely tangible through the layers of the armour. |
I would change the period to an ellipsis or ", only" or even just a comma. But again, that's not a big issue. |
Ah, yes. Reading back that particular bit, that punctuation is a touch sloppy. An ellipsis would probably work better there.
| The 14th Wonder wrote: | Moving right along...
I liked it. The kinder, gentler side of our favorite cyborg isn't something we see often. I feel like you pulled it off just right. You kept a not-so realistic-to-the-Haloverse story from seeming ridiculous at all and that's not easy. It made for an enjoyable and interesting read. Hope to see more from ya soon. |
Thanks.
Generally, I like stories which focus on the idea that under that hulking mass of metal is a human being (well, there would be, if this was documentary of reality and not horrendously unauthorised murder of someone else's excellent fictional franchise). If anything, I think it's perhaps a touch under-documented (both by official sources and FF writers.)
Anyway, thanks for the critique.
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"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??" |
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