HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

No Place For Heroes; Ch 1 - Outpost 1
Posted by DevilsInjector (mj-power@hotmail.com)
6 May 2009, 11:32 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DevilsInject0506092332141.html

kabu · Posted: Fri May 08, 2009 2:59 pm Post subject:

Typos, typos, typos! It goes "My name's John Smith," there's an apostrophe there! You missed, like twenty apostrophes, possessives and contractions! And that "[hr[" isn't doing anything for ya, either.

ASIDE FROM THAT...

Good job, seriously. You always do a really good job of quickly giving some character to your characters, something that is always hard to do. The action is well done, though there are one or two little stumbling points where I'm not sure quite what's going on. That's a very minor point, though.

I see that this is a new series. Where are you going with it? I'm very happy to keep following.
_________________

DevilsInject · Posted: Sat May 09, 2009 1:37 am Post subject:

Ffs... I posted that late at night. Looked fine with my tired eye. Haha. I'll be sure to keep my eyes open for that stuff.
_________________
Vincit qui se vincit -- He conquers who conquers himself
-this is, my last serenade

Arthur Wellesley · Member Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 306 Location: Canada

As kabu mentioned, there are way too many GPS and formatting errors in here. You got to catch those errors, man, because they play hell with the flow of the story.

Quite apart from this, however, was the fact that I wasn't able to get into this one. I had action with no context, names with no faces. Jake, Michael, Pete, Clark - I couldn't keep them straight, and it didn't really seem to matter one way or the other if I did. You have to make the reader care about what's happening and who it's happening to.

The action itself was good, though, don't get me wrong. There were some great and original little details in here, such as Michael trying to remove a dead marine's dogtag only to find them melted to his chest. Pacing was good as well. Please do refrain from using caps to convey shouting, though.

You've shown you've got some skill. Now you need to apply it to a story that engages the reader.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017