HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

No Place For Heroes; Ch 1 - Outpost 1

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2009 11:27 am    Post subject: No Place For Heroes; Ch 1 - Outpost 1 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

No Place For Heroes; Ch 1 - Outpost 1
Posted by DevilsInjector (mj-power@hotmail.com)
6 May 2009, 11:32 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DevilsInject0506092332141.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kabu
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2009 2:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Typos, typos, typos! It goes "My name's John Smith," there's an apostrophe there! You missed, like twenty apostrophes, possessives and contractions! And that "[hr[" isn't doing anything for ya, either.

ASIDE FROM THAT...

Good job, seriously. You always do a really good job of quickly giving some character to your characters, something that is always hard to do. The action is well done, though there are one or two little stumbling points where I'm not sure quite what's going on. That's a very minor point, though.

I see that this is a new series. Where are you going with it? I'm very happy to keep following.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
DevilsInject
Member


Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 30
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada

PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2009 1:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ffs... I posted that late at night. Looked fine with my tired eye. Haha. I'll be sure to keep my eyes open for that stuff.
_________________
Vincit qui se vincit -- He conquers who conquers himself
-this is, my last serenade
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2009 2:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As kabu mentioned, there are way too many GPS and formatting errors in here. You got to catch those errors, man, because they play hell with the flow of the story.

Quite apart from this, however, was the fact that I wasn't able to get into this one. I had action with no context, names with no faces. Jake, Michael, Pete, Clark - I couldn't keep them straight, and it didn't really seem to matter one way or the other if I did. You have to make the reader care about what's happening and who it's happening to.

The action itself was good, though, don't get me wrong. There were some great and original little details in here, such as Michael trying to remove a dead marine's dogtag only to find them melted to his chest. Pacing was good as well. Please do refrain from using caps to convey shouting, though.

You've shown you've got some skill. Now you need to apply it to a story that engages the reader.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group