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Ghosts of Erebus (part four): Tale of Two Tortures
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 am    Post subject: Ghosts of Erebus (part four): Tale of Two Tortures Reply with quote

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Ghosts of Erebus (part four): Tale of Two Tortures
Posted by Chuckles
6 December 2004, 10:11 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=chuckles.1206041011554.html
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The description of Chuckles' face is a slightly tweaked version of the description I gave in my story Though This Be Madness. I meant to put a disclaimer at the beginning, but forgot. I never repeat material, unless I note it.

The torture sequence at the end is not for the weak at heart. Let me know what you thought of it. I tried to be hard hitting without being too gory.

C.T. Clown
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I think that in some ways the Spartans sound a little too unprofessional. But, your stroyline allows for that. Still...
That decription of Chuckle's face was a little odd. But, it lent itself to the name of the character.
That guy at the end kinda changed from "Nope. Not gonna tell." to "Oh crap, don't hurt me anymore!" real quick. Or so it seemed. As for the gory level. Anyone who couldn't take that has apparently not gotten out much. I thought that you used about the right amount of censoring detail. Though, I wouldn't have minded more.
You kept the secret of the box pretty secure, too. Reminds me of Tom Clancy and how he mentions plans an such... but then never tell you until the final moment.

Overall, I was too busy getting into the story to really notice any major mistakes. A couple things here and there, but, great job overall. Keep it up.
Oh, I almost forgot. That went by a little too fast. That, or I just wanted to keep reading.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was nearly 2300 words long. A lot of dialogue can make it seem quick. That torture technique was actually used on at least one poor devil that I read about who didn't want to turn Catholic in the Middle Ages. By the time Sagus cracked he would have been out of his mind with pain. Plus, getting your temples crushed will give you some brain damage.

The description of Chuckles' face is deliberately over the top. And like you said, it fits his character. If you look at the original version in Though This Be Madness you'll see that I actually toned it down a bit. Instead of this version in Tale of Two Tortures:
Quote:
Set in the center like hideous black jewels were two cold, lifeless eyes.


I had the unbelievably cheesy:
Quote:
Set in the center like two hideous jewels were the eyes: not blue, brown, green or black; they were the hue of death.

But again, that fit the fic I was writing like a glove. I still love that short story.

Thanks for the comments MC. You're the second person to tell me that the way I hid the container's contents reminded them of Clancy. That was intentional. I remember it most obviously in Sum of All Fears when Ryan tells someone his plan for middle east peace, but Clancy doesn't clue the reader in.

C.T. Clown
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man! The beginning was enough to make me shiver!

Awesome work, Chuckles, keep it up.

This one's to the Fridge Door... (No surprise.)

- Dave.
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I wasn't kidding. Somehow Clancy manages to elicit more of a feeling for the plan that makes you feel like you don't need to know (part of the characters) but that still annoys you.
This didn't annoy me, and I still wanted to know. So, you did well.

Ah, yes, I can remember many times when something like "And he went over his plan with the General" or something like that was mentioned. All the time. Good stuff though. I'm still reading it.
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Man, Chuckles, that was good. You can dish out some terror and pain when you want, man. Keep it up.
--Then end part . . . for some reason I couldn't picture the torture object, but it, well, it would have sucked to be the victom of that thing.
--Anywho, do you mind if I advertise my next story on my next post, like give off the title of the next Spartans Five and some changes. Also, would I have to post it under Gold Elite to continue?
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

-Wow. Not even a friggin minute that time. THAT WAS AWSOME MCC!!
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a lot of practice.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hoho, that was scary! Great work!
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 12:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Anywho, do you mind if I advertise my next story on my next post, like give off the title of the next Spartans Five and some changes. Also, would I have to post it under Gold Elite to continue?


(Na)Marl, go for it. Better yet, just make it your signature, and change it as needed.

Thanks for the comments everyone. The best compliment I've gotten yet was from the real-life "Mike", who said that the last part was so brutal that it make him sick to his stomach. The real-life "David Sagus" said that his temples ached as he read it. That is exactly what I was aiming for.

I was playing with my eight year-old son about an hour ago, and he accidentally whacked me in the head with his elbow. He hit me in the temple, next to the eye just like in the story (no kidding). He didn't hit me that hard, but it has made my head hurt pretty bad. I can't imagine what that real torture would feel like.

C.T. Clown[/quote]
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 1:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I felt it, but, I have learnt to not let that kind of thing get to me. Thought, I have been hit in the temple plenty of times, and thinking about it, I would start talking (or foaming at the mouth) about after a couple hits. That's if I couldn't fight back; which, of course, you can't do in torture. I did think the whole "don't let him pass out" thing was pretty terrible. Crazy goons.
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 5:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

--When I read the part I pressed on my temples hard to see how bad that would hurt. I wonder why that last unquote was there. I some times get the same problem when I quote something.
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 6:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Ackerson Files. Pt. 1
--Check it out, Chuckles. I don't really think you'll be too happy, but have mercy on his soul. No middle age torture devices.
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 7:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

(NA)Marl

He did ask my permission. I told him that he could use Chuckles as long as he kept him in character. Whether he kept him in character or not, I'll have to see.

C.T. Clown
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