HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

This topic is for posting comments to:

Scoop - Chapter One: Downed
Posted by kr142616 (kr142616@aim.com)
1 May 2009, 3:40 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kr1426160501090340381.html

[SeverianofUrth]

I've never read your work before (at least, I don't ever remember doing so), so this was a pleasant surprise. Wartime censorship certainly is a topic that many Halo fanfiction writers gloss over, and you tackled it head-on in the beginning.

[kr1]

I'm glad you liked it. I actually forgot I put that line there in, I've edited it so much. I thought some ambiguity would be nice where the UNSC is concerned. They're the good guys, yeah, but people forget that it comes pretty damn close to fascism sometimes.

Glad you liked the book bit, too. I thought that might've been a little too stereotypical scifi.

And I haven't gotten far into the actual writing, but I'm pretty sure the story won't go as expected.
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[Azrael]

This was a lot of fun.

I loved the concept of journalist running around with soldiers and all the new ways that footage is captured by the correspondents of the future.

The idea of watching worlds burn and having a career thrive from it was really interesting, and I liked how you brought us in to the peace of reading a rare paper book in a rain soaked tent. Felt almost peaceful. Moved effortlessly, had a great pace with dialogue and action, and set us up for more. Well done.

I particuarly liked the process of transferring from camera to data pad to upload. It made the Hayes character's profession seem much more real. The freecam was also a great touch, and you KNOW it's going to be used in future chapters.

Looking forward to the next one!
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...now that's some gritty shizzle.

[kr1]

Az, since you mentioned the journalism bit, a few of the more interesting bits weren't mine. Karen Traviss' Wess'har War books have a journalist character with a similar setup, particularly the freecam. Just giving credit where it's due.

And I'm glad you liked it.
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[kabu]

This is one of those series' that I look forward to reading to the end.

One thing I especially like is the note from Lord Admiral Hood at the beginning. In the games, he is always a very sympathetic character, but you show that obviously there are somewhat objectionable things that need to be done.

I love how the first thing he thinks of after the crash is his freecam. Shows he's a really dedicated journalist, and is as tough as the soldiers as well. You have a very easy writing style that naturally shows us the characters thoughts and emotions.

One thing little typo near the beginning: "Stereotype" is one word.
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[kr1]

kabu, ambiguity on the part of the characters is something I hope to deal with fairly often with this. Like I mentioned above, the UNSC does some pretty reprehensible things, but we rarely get shown a negative side, and if we do, it's always ONI only. I'm not aiming to portray anyone in a negative light, but I want to try to be a bit more balanced, and I think Hayes' character will help with that, although he won't be exempt, either.
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[kabu]

Yeah. I think we have similar goals in creating characters - protagonists shouldn't be good, with just a couple of minor flaws. Characters should never be clear cut "good" or "bad," and you nailed that with everyone here.
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[CoLd BlooDed]

I really enjoyed this fresh take on the same world. Believable characters, realistic descriptions, and a solid introduction into a story with lots of potential.

The attitude of the journalist is exactly as it should be, with every life-threatening moment contributing to an extending roll of film and subsequent audience popularity. This paragraph basically summed it up for me:

[The 14th Wonder]

Just to get the nasty technical bit out of the way, there are a couple sloppy spelling errors that are easy to miss ("is" for "his" and the like) and a couple word choices that I felt were a tad awkward (that's somewhat subjective but the word "though" in particular seemed to pop up a few too many times). You missed one italicization, but it was the word "Ah" so that's almost undetectable. None of that was at all enough to detract from the story in any way, I just have kind of a sharp eye so I noticed . And I know that you totally know what you're doing, just figured I'd say it since I saw it.

ANYWAY...

I expected to like your concept before I read this, which is why I've been anxious to, and I wasn't disappointed. I think you're bringing up two really interesting questions with the virtues/evils of wartime censorship and, like Az mentioned, the use of less than perfect morals in business (the "watching worlds burn" idea). It's a very interesting discussion and I'm looking forward to seeing what your take is .

A well-done setup for a story I'm confident you'll carry along well.

[kr1]

Glad you liked it, Wonder. And I don't mind the nitpicky stuff, it means you read it, after all.

And you're absolutely right about though, I overuse it way too much and I've been trying to cut back. If I'm not careful I end up using it in consecutive sentences sometimes.

But I should have the next chapter up in the upcoming weeks. Glad you liked it, again.
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[Arthur Wellesley]

I remember when you pitched this idea a while back, kr. I was glad to finally see it, and quite pleased with the result.

Of course, the most compelling element of this chapter is whether or not freedom of the press in the extreme circumstances of the Covenant War is a good thing or not. Hayes' argument with the Marines was both well written and interesting. The Marines put up some good arguments for ONI's obfuscation. I like that you made Hayes a little smarmy, and so prevent us Western readers from automatically siding with freedom of the press side of things. I hope you don't go overboard with it, however, as an unlikeable protagonist can be a potentially ruinous thing.

The degree to which civilians know what's going on has always been a somewhat hazy issue. I'm glad to see your tackling it. As far as I can remember, it's the first time is been done so in depth.

Your style is very good, very crisp and clean. It's dialogue heavy and description light, which makes it a lightning fast read but left me wanting some details. The scene with Quitidamo did quite well in this regard, but I wanted to know more about Our Hero. As this was the introduction to the series, it may have been good to include some finer details, as it might become harder as you delve into the main action. But I trust you'll work it in there somehow.

A few GPS errors, but nothing too bad.

Great job. I'm really looking forward to where you take us.

- Arthur
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Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017

[kr1]

Glad you liked it, Arthur. I don't want Hayes to be a complete asshole, but he's not going to be the only protagonist. Quitidamo will stay a POV character, but probably not a huge one, and I'll be introducing a marine character next chapter.

The censorship in the war is something I thought would be interesting, too. From one of the HGN comics we know a little bit was going on on Earth, and with ONI as powerful as it is, I'm sure it was going on elsewhere, too. And I don't plan on openly supporting either side in the story, either.

Thanks again for reading!
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[Andres]

Hey, kr!

Awesome setup for your story. Everything that needed to be said has already been covered, but I would suggest a bit of a backstory for Hayes. If you wan't to send something future for proofreading, I'll be on it.

Be really cool if the freecam got used by the Marines for recon.

[kr1]

Glad you liked it, Andres, and the freecam idea occurred to me. Dunno how much I'll use it, though. I'll certainly send you the second chapter, I'm almost finished it.
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