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Worth Fighting For; CH 6: Almost

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2009 10:41 am    Post subject: Worth Fighting For; CH 6: Almost Reply with quote

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Worth Fighting For; CH 6: Almost
Posted by DevilsInjector (mj-power@hotmail.com)
1 May 2009, 12:55 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DevilsInject0501090055351.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2009 3:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, to start of there's couple GPS errors, but I love the feeling you get across with the opening here. Delrey thinks he's got these guys beat, and then Leonidas starts talking, and I was really anticipating where the scene goes from there. And I wasn't left disappointed.

There were a bunch of GPS and code mess-ups, but I still really enjoyed this. I think you said this was your first time writing action? It doesn't read like it. Loved Tim and Leonidas' scene, both the back-and-forth and the sniping mixed in. After Tim takes the shot, though, the action was a little too fast. And those guards must suck, forgetting the pistol and letting Charlie get his SMG.

Wasn't Arther just starting out as a marine earlier in this, though. Seems liek a bit of a high-profile mission for a fresh recruit.

I haven't read anything of yours in quite a while, but this was a hell of a lot better than your first two chapter in WFF. I'm impressed.
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DevilsInject
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PostPosted: Sun May 03, 2009 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, his squad is one of the best on Reach. this is more of a graduation esque mission. Alos, might give him a few... oppertunitys later in the chapters.

Im glad you enjoyed it. Thats by far the most positive review Ive gotten. The whole Tim/Leo thing was actually hard to plan out. I wanted banter but alos some priority in there if you catch my drift. And yes, Im not a HUGE action guy. I just thought it was darn time to toss it in.

As for the guards. Theyre just that. Guards. Nothing special. I wanted... to explain why the missed the pistol. What with it being Marine Grey, maybe it blended in a bit to the bulkyness of the suite. But it was too complicated. So i just went for the stupid-guard schtik.

Anyways, again, Im glad you enjoyed it. Keep lookin' for more. Arthers only just gotten started.

Edit; Also, quite a bit of time has passed. That leading up to this, his squad was assesed and chosen for this mission. Read other chappies if you feel like catchin' up.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun May 03, 2009 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. Very Happy

Like kr said, there was GPS errors about, and some of the dialouge seemed too wooden or stocky for me (For example, Delrey's little speech at the beginning of this chapter), but otherwise, the action was quick and powerful, and I liked it.

Your only real problem you have in your stories are GPS errors. Easy correctable things. Very Happy

And trust me, DI, even though I never really commented on your stories, I've definitely been reading them.
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DevilsInject
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Joined: 04 Oct 2008
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PostPosted: Sun May 03, 2009 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm. Yeah, Delreys speech was a bit hard to do.

As for GPS... my OpenOffice wont correct my stuff for some reason. So it goes un-checked other than by my eye.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2009 1:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Use Firefox. It's got a spellcheck built in.
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