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Lovedog: A Seven Days Story

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2009 10:41 am    Post subject: Lovedog: A Seven Days Story Reply with quote

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Lovedog: A Seven Days Story
Posted by SeverianofUrth
30 April 2009, 9:02 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=SeverianofUr0430092102571.html
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2009 5:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was great, Sev. I really enjoyed the narrative, how trippy it felt, slipping to different points in time, the incongruity of the two polite men and what their jobs are, all of that. I've only read one other chapter in the series, but I have a feeling I wouldn't understand what was going on much more if I'd read them all, and I kind of think I prefer it that way. Great work. Wink
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2009 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kr-1426 wrote:
This was great, Sev. I really enjoyed the narrative, how trippy it felt, slipping to different points in time, the incongruity of the two polite men and what their jobs are, all of that. I've only read one other chapter in the series, but I have a feeling I wouldn't understand what was going on much more if I'd read them all, and I kind of think I prefer it that way. Great work. Wink


Awesome, thanks for reading.

Did all the discrepancies in the narrative--what are supposed to be flaws in his memory--bother you, by the way?
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2009 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sure I actually missed a few, but I enjoyed the ones I noticed. It adds to that surreal feel I mentioned, and humanizes the story more. Real people forget, y'know, and I doubt a dead guy would be especially concerned with the fine details. I was a little thrown about his mentor talking about the whores not being there anymore, but I enjoyed it once I realized what was going on.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2009 4:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear god, Sev, you are one twisted dude. This totally tops your last two pieces, and that's saying something.

The discrepancies caught me by surprise at first, but I quickly caught on to what was happening. I think they work very well as a storytelling conceit. I really can't think of any criticism storywise, other than the fact that I now have a strong urge to take a shower. Dude, seriously, whoa.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2009 4:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kabu wrote:
Dear god, Sev, you are one twisted dude. This totally tops your last two pieces, and that's saying something.

The discrepancies caught me by surprise at first, but I quickly caught on to what was happening. I think they work very well as a storytelling conceit. I really can't think of any criticism storywise, other than the fact that I now have a strong urge to take a shower. Dude, seriously, whoa.


Strange, I didn't think this was as gory as my last story. Glad to hear that the whole memory business worked out well though, I had my doubts.

Thanks, man.
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PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2009 4:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Twisted doesn't always equal gory. I found this one more disturbing. Which is a good thing?
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DevilsInject
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PostPosted: Sun May 03, 2009 3:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

About time I got around to this.

I honestly have no critique. It was more or less a perfect blend for me. Like 100% columbian and a bacon sandwich. Perfect.
It really creeped me out for one thing. Got under my skin. I liked that. It brought about disturbing emotions, revulsion, intrigue.

Im a fan Sev, Im a fan.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sun May 03, 2009 4:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quite a macabre soliloquy, one of nigh-bombastic execution. However, I did detect the unfortunate quibble of a misused article next to a discarded noun unutilized.

How do you like it? Laughing


Anyway, this was quite good. You managed to take me inside the head of a professional torturer and give a glimpse at a world not often seen. I don't actually have any meaningful complaints. aside from one little GPS error (an where you should have had a).
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2009 6:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments, guys.

That said, I went into the story intending to humanize my already-dead narrator--most of the rather unsavory bits were there to muster up some sympathy for what must have been one hell of a childhood. But I think I may have made him into more of a monster than anything else. Laughing Still don't know why you guys found it disturbing and whatnot, though; I tried to stay within the confines of good taste.

Having a good deal of fun writing the next part. A part of that is due to the fact that after that installment, there's just Part Seven to wrap up, and my series would finally be done after more than four years. But it's nice being able to move away from the depressing confines of a dead protagonist to the perspective of a young soldier and revolutionary.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2009 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The problem with your submissions is that they always show up after a longish period of time and I'm totally sucked in without the benefit of figuring out what's happening. Then I'm stuck reading the whole series over again and I realize you're STILL just playing with us.

Very nice table scene and I really enjoyed the imagery with the wine and the food. You got both visual and taste(ful?) images that were quite vivid. Quite nice, great job.

Start submitting more often Very Happy
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PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2009 12:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anybody watch the season finale of House? (I confess to adoring that show.) After reading this piece, I'm wondering if the writers of House were taking notes.

Inconsistencies in the narration are fun. One becomes so used to reading fiction so earnestly and unquestioningly, it almost doesn't compute when something within it doesn't make sense. The reader experiences the story vicariously through the narrator, so when the narrator is crazy or confused, you start to feel the effect in your own mind. Of course, the author must be skilled enough to plot with patience and subtlety, drawing us in before turning us on our heads. When done correctly, the effect becomes fascinating, compelling one to read through a second time so as to catch all the nuances of the unreliable narrator. This was with consummate skill here.

The nonchalant pontifications on torture and killing were extremely unsettling without delving into gratuitous gore. I thought that this paragraph in particular:

Quote:
Their smell made me pause, remembering all those mornings where I'd wake up to the scent of breakfast and the sight of dead men hanging on bathroom hooks. We did much of our work in bathtubs. The tub kept the waste in and the showerhead made it easy to wash after the work was done. I would wake up on the bathroom floor because I'd faint, being young and accustomed to such misery. After waking up, the work would begin, and I would clean out the past night's work with one hand on the showerhead and the other firmly clamped on my mouth, trying not to vomit.


was very effective at multiple levels. Firstly, because you left all the details of the "waste" to our own imaginations, which in this instance had my mind going to some very unsettling places. Secondly, because it is a very visceral image (in more way than one), thinking of a man scrubbing out the gore of the bathtub while trying to control his heaving stomach. Thirdly, it speaks to the character of the man, being so bothered by a thing and yet persisting in doing it anyway.

There were many such passages in this story that conveyed an array of information on many different levels.

There were a few more GPS errors than there should have been in a submission of this length. Also, there was some clunky language that stood out all the more because so much of it was so smooth. For instance:

Quote:
Although it took a while to get it started, get it started I did, and soon the flames were roaring.


I thought this marred an otherwise elegant, not to mention mind-fucking paragraph.

Great submission, Sev. I always look forward to what you put out.

- Arthur
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2009 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The problem with your submissions is that they always show up after a longish period of time and I'm totally sucked in without the benefit of figuring out what's happening. Then I'm stuck reading the whole series over again and I realize you're STILL just playing with us.


Dunno, I think the cat is out of the bag, so to speak. It's pretty clear what happened, imo, unless you are referring to something else within the story?

Thank you for the kind comment.


Quote:
There were a few more GPS errors than there should have been in a submission of this length. Also, there was some clunky language that stood out all the more because so much of it was so smooth. For instance:

Quote:
Although it took a while to get it started, get it started I did, and soon the flames were roaring.


I thought this marred an otherwise elegant, not to mention mind-fucking paragraph.


I don't like to start making excuses, but it's getting difficult for me to nail down my narrator's voice. I've been trying to keep it consistent with what has been written so far, but my own 'style' or whatever seems to have changed in the short time. He seems remarkably long-winded at times--but then, that's a character trait.

As always, thank you for the thoughtful comment.

p.s. O.o You are a reading, writing machine, Arthur. I'm sure that if you had a week, you could probably comment on every story dating back to 2004, and do it with style as well.
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