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Attack on Installation 06, part 18

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 2:06 pm    Post subject: Attack on Installation 06, part 18 Reply with quote

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Attack on Installation 06, part 18
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
24 April 2009, 12:45 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0424090045131.html
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kabu
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 3:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not caught up completely on your series, yet. I've read the first few chapters and the last few chapters, but I really like it so far. I'm actually in the middle of getting through a whole bunch of the longer series 'round these here parts, which is gonna take a while.

Anyway, part 18 was a good read. A short, good read. I would have liked another thousand words or so, as this was very brief. Writing dialogue with the Chief is nigh impossible. In the games and books, he has essentially no personality at all. He isn't a very compelling character. But I really like how you've pushed his fear of losing Cortana to the forefront, which gives him a bit of much-needed depth. Telling the story from outside of his POV helps as well, so we can see him in at a certain distance, filtered through the perceptions of the Marines.

I also like the interaction between Hocus and Shilds. Fun and witty without being cloying or grating, and pretty realistic too. The blend of action/plot and their conversation works very well. Again, I could have used a longer conversation. This piece really is short, but what is there is polished very well.

And you just have to end on a damn cliffhanger, don't you. Evil or Very Mad
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kr1
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 5:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another good chapter, Jake. You had a few sloppy GPS mistakes, but they were all pretty minor. I'm enjoying the Alpha Halo club you've got going, and it makes for some interesting interactions between the Chief, Stacker, and Dubbo. I liked the reference to Easley, too. Continuity stuff like that is fun. Anyways, good to see you back posting on a more regular basis. Wink
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