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Never Bring a Gun to a Pillow Fight - A 'Bad Days' Story

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 3:26 pm    Post subject: Never Bring a Gun to a Pillow Fight - A 'Bad Days' Story Reply with quote

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Never Bring a Gun to a Pillow Fight - A 'Bad Days' Story
Posted by kabu (will36@gmail.com)
17 April 2009, 7:38 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kabu0417090738341.html
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another good entry here, kabu. The expanding cast is great, Leon especially. His and Zhao's interaction was fun, too. That one-sided conversation was thoroughly enjoyable, especially "Don't call me that, Leon." stuck mid-sentence. As always, looking forward to the next one. Wink
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My story, at heart, is about two things: The weird thoughts that go through Isaac's head, and the characters. On that note, I'm trying to establish a group of core characters with distinct, weird personalities. Action is fun, especially when it's way over the top like this, but it serves to set up the internal monologue more than action for the sake of action. On the other hand, this story I just cut loose and decided to do a big action thing.

edit: Massive GPS errors abound. Just try to ignore them. That's what you get when you edit a story at 3:30 AM. Confused
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 4:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was amazingly funny. Zhao screaming as she tore up those Jackals? I was literally falling out of my chair because I couldn't stop laughing.

Aside from the errors you mentioned, plus a couple of formatting mistakes, there are no problems with it, and the GPS errors don't really distract from the story. So relax a bit.

It's awesome that you're able to write something that's funny, engaging, and even has a constant narrative to it. I wonder where it's going to end up?
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great story.

Pretty much the only complaint I have is that when the jackals knock over the protagonist, why didn't they just shoot him? I understand that their pistols were extremely low on charges, but still, a shot would likely have finished him off? Or barring that, maybe their teeth? It just seems like they sat around just waiting for Zhao to barge in.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Major Jannsen


Very Happy

Rest of the review forthcoming.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

SeverianofUrth wrote:
Great story.

Pretty much the only complaint I have is that when the jackals knock over the protagonist, why didn't they just shoot him? I understand that their pistols were extremely low on charges, but still, a shot would likely have finished him off? Or barring that, maybe their teeth? It just seems like they sat around just waiting for Zhao to barge in.


I should have been more clear - the entire interval from smacking into Isaac to Zhao stomping the Jackal was maybe five seconds, and a good bit of that was hand-to-hand. They were confused and stunned, and probably would have shot him in another second.

Or if that doesn't work for you, it was MAGIC. And TIME TRAVEL.

Phædrus wrote:
Quote:
Major Jannsen


Very Happy

Rest of the review forthcoming.


Never let it be said that I don't listen to feedback. Let's just pretend Isaac misheard the first time around Razz
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DevilsInject
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really like it. I loved the feel of, lets say, urgency. And Isaacs on the fly thinking was awesome as well. I would never of thought of using a pillow. Haha.

I was just a little confused (no matter how much it made me smile) at the Zhao part. I couldnt figure out if she was a acrobat or a brute-esque woman. I was hoping you'd explain this to me. If its obvious in the submission, I apologize. I'm slow. Just the whole, being able to crush the bones of a Jackal thing threw me off.

DiJ
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For the record, typing with your keyboard in your lap is a pain in the ass, as is accidentally shorting out your brand new motherboard.

Anyway, I loved it, at usual. Unfortunately, it's the kind of love one has for the middle child in a family: they're great, but their older brother shows more accomplishment in school, and the younger sister is a lot cuter and more fun. It's still lovable, though!

This was fun, but it didn't have as much, eh, je ne sais quoi, pizzazz, whatever. There's not enough meat for it to be completely filling story-wise, and not enough slapstick for it to be "lol" funny.

There weren't that many GPS errors, but there were enough to be noticeable. I liked the Jannsen bit, though. Wink But then, why was Zhao Super Woman?

Don't get me wrong, this is still an excellent submission. It just isn't your greatest, and feels like one of the weaker ones you've submitted. I'm guessing you're having trouble integrating the storyline with the humor aspect of your series, which is understandable. Perhaps have a few more people read over your story before you submit it?

Overall, a very good story, but not your best.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 12:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Spoilers may ensue.

Brilliant. Loved it. Brilliant.

It's funny, Phaedrus, I actually thought that this was kabu's finest piece so far. My previous complaints have always been that the humor was sometimes facile or inconsistent. Here, I thought every attempt at humor was bang on.

I thought the point about competent people was hilarious, all the more so because it's true.

Quote:
"I knew it. They find the first excuse to get rid of people who do their jobs correctly."


So true.

As the anti-supermarine, Isaac functions wonderfully. He's as I imagine I'd be as a conscripted soldier. I thought that this:

Quote:
I hit the floor, slid into my boots, grabbed a rifle and stepped into chaos. Twenty minutes later, everything had gone to Hades and I was alone in a hallway, out of breath and holding a nearly empty rifle.


was a brilliant way to depict - that is, NOT depict - an action sequence. I laughed when I read that, with the image of Isaac bravely cocking a gun, walking down a hallway, then getting a "twenty minutes later" and seeing him running frantically away. It was a great moment.

Of course, there were many brilliant moments:

Quote:
"Could be leprechauns. Or elves. Or the fucking ghost of Christmas past, of course they're Grunts, you idiot."


Quote:
"Fuck me."
"Hologram, remember?"


Quote:
"Squawk!"
"Aah!"


Plus the one sided conversation that kr already mentioned.

As to Zhao being a superwoman - the intent, I believe, was to have a surreal, almost ludicrous fight scene with a crazy lady kicked the shit out of 5 aliens that would make most people shit their pants. The image of this woman killing those jackals, her furious rantings punctuated by paranthetical "stabs," evoked personal images of hysterical women whom I've also wanted to flee. When she actually chased the jackals down the hall and dispatched them, I redoubled in laughter.

I don't often actually laugh out loud at fan fiction, but this one got a few genuine "lols" out of me.

- Arthur
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kabu
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 6:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love getting feedback.

Both of you picked up on one thing. I made a couple of deliberate choices with this one. The first was to stay away from inane, silly humor as much as possible, and focus on the dialogue and action. I feel that the piece ends up being funnier as a whole if each line isn't another attempted pun, and the ones that do are more thought out.

On the subject of Zhao: This scene something I planned for her from the moment I envisioned her character. Arthur is right - the idea is not that she's the Incredible Hulk, it's that she's actually a somewhat small person who is skilled at martial arts, and is pissed off enough that being outnumbered doesn't even come into the picture. She wants those Jackals dead, and she gets what she wants. A bit of backstory - her problem is that she mistakes people's aversion to her quick temper as hostility, which just makes here even angrier. So to answer your question, Phæ, Zhao isn't Super Woman, she's just mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Yes, the situation is a little ludicrous, but come on. We've got a hundred-thousand year old alien race who wipes out the galaxy to save it, and hangs onto samples of the universe-destroying species, and nobody bats an eye at that Razz. You can give me a bit of action/comedy.

About that non-action sequence bit - I was laboring over this whole scene of how Isaac ended up where he was with low ammo, but I stepped back, looked at it, and realized that I've read that scene a thousand times before in a thousand stories, and my take on it wasn't funny and really served no purpose. Words for the sake of words aren't worth anything. I stopped, and realized how much funnier it is to let the reader figure it out.

I do think that this piece is very important for the story. I've resolved to never write a true "filler" chapter. What actually happens (Covenant attack, blah blah blah) doesn't matter at all for the storyline as a whole. It's all about characters. I've finally gotten a chance to show Zhao's personality (something I've been looking forward to for a very long time), and got her into Outpost 6 with Leon. In a lot of ways, I feel like this is the end of the introduction. I've finally gotten all of my characters (for now) into one place. Let's see what happens Twisted Evil
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