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A Painted Rocket - From Tulane

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 3:26 pm    Post subject: A Painted Rocket - From Tulane Reply with quote

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A Painted Rocket - From Tulane
Posted by CaptainRaspberry (jptaber@gmail.com)
16 April 2009, 3:13 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CaptainRaspb0416091513321.html
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J. D. Ford
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, I really enjoyed this. The writing style reminded my of a book I recently read, titled "To D-Day and Back"...a memoir of the Normandy invasion. I really liked it, which also means I am really enjoying your approach to fan fiction.

It's a refreshingly different take. Despite the lack of dialogue, and the 1st person POV, you really pull the reader into the story. The viewpoint character's personality is subtle, but present in enough quantity to make him seem more than two-dimensional.

The plot points are believable and very efficiently described. Good exposition here. You have an excellent grasp of Halo canon and military procedure/gear/tactics. I loved the bit about M41 duds.

The only real gripe I have is the occasional snarky adjective. An example would be the use of 'instant' instead of 'instantaneous.' This is partially a personal preference thing, but also represents constructive criticism in regards to flow and pacing. Keep an eye out for those little hiccups.

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. Looking forward to reading more of your work (and perhaps some 3PO stuff if you're ever in the mood).

Smile


~J. D.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good work again. I'm still enjoying the first person style. Particularly liked the narrator not being sure offhand who the drivers were. Adds a touch of realism to the idea of this being a memoir. The duds were a nice touch, too.

I especially liked the little bits of characterization that showed that at least some of these marines are just kids--painting the rockets and the dirt fights in particular. Liked the bit with the cards, too. Go Fish is always the last resort when no one knows any good games, isn't it?
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 3:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not going to repeat the praise I have for your series here - I've made it clear in the other threads that I think this is top-notch stuff.

I have one complaint on this one, though. You do cynical, dark humor very well, but it sometimes seems a little excessive. Pot, kettle, black, I know, but the inherent bleakness of the situation tends to overpower the witty bits, rather than accentuate them. Of course, this is perfectly reasonable if that's what you're going for, but it's a subtle change from your other stuff.

Looking forward to your next chapter.
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 4:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kabu wrote:
I have one complaint on this one, though. You do cynical, dark humor very well, but it sometimes seems a little excessive. Pot, kettle, black, I know, but the inherent bleakness of the situation tends to overpower the witty bits, rather than accentuate them. Of course, this is perfectly reasonable if that's what you're going for, but it's a subtle change from your other stuff.


This is a case where the story just got away from me. I wanted this to be a little more slapstick and a little less grim, but I've written a lot of realism in the past and it's firmly embedded in my style. If I don't keep a careful eye on it, it seeps in.

Next one will hopefully be a return to the greater comedy value.

J. D. Ford wrote:
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. Looking forward to reading more of your work (and perhaps some 3PO stuff if you're ever in the mood).


Pardon my complete newbishness, but what's 3PO? My vast internet searching skills (totally not Google) are just turning up a certain effeminate and endearing Star Wars character.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

He's most likely referring to third-person omniscient.

Excellent story, looking forward to more.
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 6:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For parts 2 + 3:

Excellent work, Raspberry. The humor is a little harder to find here, but its detectable. It's less "haha" funny as shaking your head with a bemused smirk at the insanity of military bureaucracies and war in general. For me, the humor derived from the exaggerated and caricatured but depressingly close approximation of reality.

I love your understated style and sense of action. You present a convincing depiction of rather damaged, empty soldiers going through the motions of military life. The engagement itself was devoid of Rambo heroics, and came across as very real. Funny, I almost felt bad for that Elite...

Your grasp of military tactics and culture seems pretty sound. I was hitherto unaware of the acronym REMF, and was pleasantly surprised when I discovered its meaning. Your depiction of patrols and ambushes, while I am unaware of the particulars of real life tactics, seemed convincing.

Once or twice your style didn't quite work as intended. I picked out one instance as an example:

Quote:
The Ghost was trying to make friends with me with its lasers.


Thing about distinctive, off-beat styles is that when they don't work to craft a good phrase, such phrases stand out like sore thumbs. Make sure everything you write sounds good - if it doesn't try and think of an alternative, or excise it altogether.

Good work. I'm glad we've found yet another promising talent.

- Arthur
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 6:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First time reading your stuff, and I've got to say I am pleasantly surprised. Chalk up another talented writer to the HBOFF roster!

I love your style already. Your intro paragraph pulled me right in; very captivating. In fact, your had several memorable lines that I really liked, including this one:

You wrote:
...so one can envy the other and, in due time, think murderous thoughts.


It's so simple but encompasses all this imagery of soldiers staring across to the others - eyes sunken, features grim in the cold - and wishing they were on the safer side, possibly hoping the others died first if the enemy were to come. Dark - I love it.

Another thing I really liked is how well you foreshadowed the conclusion. Made me feel complete upon reading that last line.

Well done, you've got a fan.
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