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Angel

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 3:26 pm    Post subject: Angel Reply with quote

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Angel
Posted by CoLd BlooDed (broken_lizard12@hotmail.com)
15 April 2009, 6:06 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CoLd_BlooDed0415090606541.html
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SeverianofUrth
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Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 5:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let me just get the obligatory didn't know you were still alive, chap out of the way.

Damn good poem, great, even. Remember when MCC would post about 'flow' all the time? Well, this had flow. I don't know if you listen to hip hop, but if you do, notice how all the great rappers--Lupe, K-OS, Common, etc, etc--not only differ in subject matter from the trash like Fiddy or Weezy, but also, they flow. There's music in spoken word alone.

Great job, man, and welcome back.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, a hip-hop/rap fan here. But real shit, not like Lil' Wayne or 50 like you so accurately stated.

It's funny, I remember when I first started writing out poetry I was so blind to flow and meter that it stuns me to look back and read it (biggest examples being my ancient stuff on HBOFF). As the years went on, I nearly perfected syllable use. I concreted it the last five months of last year, when my friends and I would beatbox and freestyle for hours, and it HAD to be perfect otherwise you'd sound like an idiot.

This poem is about suicide, or the discovery of someone being suicidal, not initially intended for Halo at all (muahaha) but easily transferred over the boundary. This poem basically just flowed from my fingertips, finished it in ten minutes... it's probably my most emotional piece. Sniff.

Thanks Sev. Very Happy
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CaptainRaspberry
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Joined: 20 Mar 2009
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 5:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good stuff, with a solid (if intangible) rhythm, even though you stretched a few rhymes here and there. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

I'd say more, but I don't really find myself qualified to comment on the content of a poem as much as the form. If it's got a good beat like yours, the words become invisible to me and the meaning of the words gets lost in the music.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 9:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a great poem. It's got vivid imagery, and the syntax is pleasing to read; it creates good sounds.

Very dark stuff, man. I wasn't sure I got it 'til the last stanza, at which point I grasped what the speaker was saying. I read it through a second time; it worked even better.

Like Raspberry, I don't feel qualified to go too much further. But I enjoyed it very much.

- Arthur
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's perfectly understandable... I don't expect to bring my poetry to a writing site and expect personal interpretation upon personal interpretation. This was basically to show you I was still active, still in touch with my artistic side, still here in mind and spirit.

Arthur, I'm glad you caught on. I have to admit, it's not straightforward whatsoever (I really don't like writing straightforward poetry... it's too easy) but each time I read it myself I'm blown away by the ambiguous nature. It conveys my initial intention perfectly, and then there are many beyond that...

Thank you both, Raspberry and Arthur.
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 5:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicely done, CoLd. The best poems are the ones that take thought and multiple readings, and this one definitely fits the mold. I mean, if you're going to come right out and say it, why write a poem?

I've always been drawn to the ideas in Halo minus the miraculous victory. That is, the bleakness that would actually accompany mankind's fight with an enemy as strong as the Covenant. Once they found our world, we wouldn't win. One man would not somehow make the difference. Nobody would bring them back their bomb. We. Would. Die. Not too exciting if you're trying to sell a video game, but fertile ground for passionate prose and poetry.

Poems certainly don't have to rhyme, but once you go that direction, you have to decide how much you're willing to compromise for meaning and meter. I saw a few places where you went the direction of sacrificing the rhyme. That's fine, since you have a lot of leeway in a poem, but it does make the reader pause and wonder whether they skipped a line or read it wrong. Here's an example:
Quote:
A whisper in the clouds at night
now change the mood from dark to fright
with galaxies and roaming moons
I hope to speak with the real you
An epiphany of broken youth
my eyes doth yearn to know the truth
I'd cry to see bright light fade first
I'd fight to know who broke this earth
unfettered strands of my perfection
hold on to this hidden pendant

the aid of one who cares will come
to bear the fruit of kingdoms won.

Everything in that stanza rhymes well except that one section I highlighted. I couldn't care less about rhyming, but the break in continuity can throw the reader off. It can also be used intentionally to wake the reader up and make them take special notice of an important part of your poem. Maybe that's what you were aiming for and I missed it.

And that small critique is my one and only gripe. This is one of the best Halo poems I've read on here. Only those who have attempted to write them know how hard it is to keep from sounding silly. A poem about a video game with grunts and elites, things that look like wookies and leaders who float around in hovercars while preaching like bad televangelists. It's not as easy as you make it look. I guess that's why it pays to focus on the dark side.

So yeah, I loved the poem and it's good to see you posting again.

C.T. Clown
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kr1
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really enjoyed this. The repetition at the start of each stanza worked well, and Sev's right, no problems with flow. There were a few stretched rhymes like Arthur and Chuckles mentioned, but that's my only complaint. Good work.
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