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Project: PEGASUS; Revelation

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 5:50 pm    Post subject: Project: PEGASUS; Revelation Reply with quote

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Project: PEGASUS; Revelation
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
3 April 2009, 2:46 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0403090246511.html
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 6:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Too many mistakes, man.
Quote:
was now feeling the eyes of his privates

Unintentionally funny line.
Quote:
Truth be told, he himself felt the air of invincibility around him.

Just say 'he felt invincible.' Too wordy.
Quote:
That came from his Master Sergeant, who was sitting next to his squad in an unorganized position.

How do you sit in such a position?
Quote:
Top just shook his head and sat back down with his squad, not content to waiting.

Simple errors makes the story stumble.
Quote:
the menstruations of evil

Unintentionally funny.
Quote:
Death and Stacker dance often, but they certainly don’t dance the frequent samba.

You sure you don't want to tack on -ed after 'dance'? And the line as a whole was, like much of the story, very awkward.
Quote:
that hard boiled sound of grinding and cranking of a Warthog.

Just plain awkward. Hard boiled? The fuck?
Quote:
The vehicle’s outline came more into focus, the seemingly sleek but rough edges appeared out, and Stacker was confused at the last thought in his head. How can something both have that feature? A rough outline, but a sleek surface, it was indeed something of an enigma in its design.

Why would he suddenly be so confounded by something he should be so familiar with?
Quote:
The lights burned out, deactivated by the driver himself,

No. If the lights 'burned out,' then they would do so naturally. Either make them burn out or have the driver deactivate them himself.

Good god, man, this was pretty awful. The drop in quality from your Fate and Cold Death is almost painful to see. I could go on and on, line after line, but I think you get the point. Stop trying to reach for a metaphor or a simile or what have you! Just stick to simple descriptions. Do some proofreading. You also seem to switch between past and present tense at will.

I just couldn't enjoy this story. You should know better then most, man, not to rush a story out unless you are sure that it lacks, at the very least, the most common GPS errors.
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Enth Darkness Triumphant
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Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Posts: 30
Location: Twilight area between Valhalla and Hel

PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well,

SeverianofUrth said most of what had to be said, but the advice I can offer you is proofread and that in itself can go a long way. Personally when I do it, I wait a few days then I go back to the part that I have already done and the mistakes just flash out. The biggest beef I had though was with the following part:

Quote:
Around him was his platoon, twenty one badass Shock Troopers who wanted nothing more than to kick some mercenary ass and take their women as their own.


The above sounds like Vikings are some "Bad Ass" troopers, lol. At that point in the future I do not think rape and pillage will really happen.

Just proofread and get yourself some neutral third party who is/are well versed in the Halo universe or if you're lucky, a English major, to help you out with your idea's and writings.

God Speed
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
Location: Always here to help

PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I do need a proofreader. Sad

But, you know, I thank you guys. I can recover from mistakes like that. It's easier to see the mistakes when someone shows you them.

And, to be truthful, I did rush this one out without giving it a proper read-down. I did the same with You Know My Name; I'm just shit-terrible writing combat scenes. I really just wanted this out of the way, but I couldn't just forgo to write it because it's crucical to the story.
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