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Oncoming Winter - From Tulane

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 5:50 pm    Post subject: Oncoming Winter - From Tulane Reply with quote

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Oncoming Winter - From Tulane
Posted by CaptainRaspberry (jptaber@gmail.com)
2 April 2009, 11:33 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CaptainRaspb0402092333191.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 5:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jesus, this is great stuff. I love your POV choice and how Holiday reflects on the different characters' futures in between telling the story. You do a great job setting the mood with simple little things, like the three watching explosions on the rooftop. Once again, great work, Captain! Keep this up and you'll always have an audience here. Wink
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty much everything I said about "Mongoose" still stands - great characters, great voice, great descriptions. Not much to add, except I think you're getting maybe just a little bit too close to writing exactly like Tim O'Brian - that's not such a bad thing, but you should work on developing your own style. Once again, great work and I'm glad you're writing here.
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 05, 2009 11:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks guys! I went away for the weekend, but it's awesome I get to come back to praise.

kabu wrote:
Not much to add, except I think you're getting maybe just a little bit too close to writing exactly like Tim O'Brian - that's not such a bad thing, but you should work on developing your own style.


This was actually a huge concern for me after I wrote it and was reading it over before submission. I almost pulled it from this week, but in the end decided to just go ahead. But I completely agree; the next part I'll try and get back to my own style, maybe make it a little bit more light-hearted (this one was a bit more gruesome than "Mongoose").
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't really understand the concern about developing your own 'style'--in fact, worrying about it is probably the worst thing you can do. Just keep writing and don't worry about who you might sound like, because your 'style' or whatever you want to call it will develop on its own.

Finally had the chance to read it. Amazing stuff. The way with which he accepts an unrelentingly grim situation with tired, wry humor is a lot of fun to read, and some of the scenes... loved the detail about the marker and the corpses, and the way this chapter ended was very, uh, poetic and stuff. You know. Good job and all that. Don't want to get too enthusiastic here. Good job, old chap, but you could stand to improve. Embarassed Laughing
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice. You have a very lucid, compelling style, but with a punch. I did not expect the nuke.

Azrael said this was too short, but I must disagree. As a member who has never submitted anything longer than 3500 words (and that only once), I can attest to the power of a very short story. You could have done with a little more embellishment at the end, after the nuke, as it seems you understated the significance of what just happened. It's alright as you submitted it, though; it just could have been a bit better.

Overall, I thoroughly agree with this being chosen for the fic pick. Congrats. Smile
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Loved it.

This was my favourite line

Quote:
On the ground, Israel nodded, tears streaming down the faces of him and his two buddies. "Better than fuckin' fireworks," he said. They were blind for two days.


That just tops it off.

Such a gritty yet very enjoyable read.
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