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Arrival

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 2:15 pm    Post subject: Arrival Reply with quote

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Arrival
Posted by xxForceReconxx (xxForceReconxx)
27 March 2009, 2:46 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=xxForceRecon0327090246531.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There are a few things about this that I, personally, am not to fond of: The wisecracking soldiers, the meaningless profanity, etc. etc.. However, all those things are appealing to their own demographics, so that's okay. Your characterization was a bit shaky - everyone seems to be a snarky gung-ho type - but your narrator has a good internal voice that really lets us inside his head. What I did like was the bit at the beginning, where you talked about the planes at the Fort. All the way through, you have very good scenery description, which really adds a lot to a work like this.

All in all, this was a good story that you should really keep going. I might not be your biggest fan, but that has nothing to do with your skill as a writer.
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xxForceReconxx
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Joined: 21 Mar 2009
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Location: Somewhere, beyond the sea...

PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've got it set up that way on purpose. The soldiers I have in here have never really seen armed conflict, and kinda treat their job as a way to go on vacation. And to respond to what you said, profanity might not be something normal people say to each other on the street, but it's part of military life for these guys.

Anyways, thanks for the help and I'm really trying to get the hang of doing this.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I understand - a lot of language choice is a very subjective thing. And upon another readthrough, what really struck me is the attention you pay to dialogue. That's something tricky and difficult to get right, but you pull it off well. Also, you give a great deal of time to parts that, though they weren't part of the main plot, really enhanced the story overall.
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J. D. Ford
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Joined: 20 Sep 2007
Posts: 75
Location: Los Angeles, CA

PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 6:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good formatting. You also seem to have a decent grasp of your writing 'voice.' My initial reactions to this piece are as follows: you need to work on character development, which will fuel your dialogue and prevent it from sounding wooden (which I think is the source of kabu's complaint). You also need to break up those expositional (narrative) paragraphs a little...especially if you choose to utilize 1st person POV. It gets taxing on the reader, especially in the HBO format.

I see a lot of potential here. I would suggest checking out the March Upcountry series by John Ringo and David Weber. Take a look at how they format characters and capture dialogue that is both believable and snarky.

Finally, I would suggest manually checking your grammar, spelling, and sentence structure in addition to the word processor scans. You have several words that run together, or use improper articles...which only serve to break up the ebb and flow of your lines.

Like I said, there is potential here. You just need to work on some basic mechanics and character/dialogue development.

Keep at it.


~J. D.
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