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Without Remorse

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:28 am    Post subject: Without Remorse Reply with quote

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Without Remorse
Posted by Cpt Crapper (aznintegra023@yahoo.com)
6 December 2004, 4:03 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=cpt_crapper.1206040403171.html
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 5:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, I would avoid using the title of a well known novel to name my series. You may or may not know that Without Remorse is the name of a Tom Clancy novel.

You had good detail and some good dialogue. Your first sentence (I think it was your first) was a run-on, and full of bad grammar. You also went way overboard on your imagery in the first paragraph. After that, your writing seemed to smooth out.

Not bad for a first fanfic. You might want to have more happen in the story next time. You had great detail, but detail without good pacing can get boring real quick.

C.T. Clown
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MasterSushi
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Joined: 14 Sep 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Go easy on the 'and's in the first paragraph.
I never did like the word evil.
Why does it keep going like this:

And then little Jimmy took his dog to

the park and they eat burgers with
cheese in and onion
rings with loads and loads of ketchup or
catsup or whatever the hell
they had got, they couldn't remember.


Once again, not the best example I've ever written, but me thinks you added way to many spaces.

I thought this was actually pretty good. especially nearer the last two or three paragraphs. The first was certainly the weakest.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Chuckles one-hundred-percent (look! I spelled it out!):
Do not use well known titles of great authors unless you have a damn good explenation for it.

Watch that formatting, too. What you had there was a result from copying and pasting (at least I hope that is what this is). Just use the nifty preview feature to fix that.
ENS posted something related to ODSTs and Marines working together not that long ago. Find it. You see (I will try to explain), Marines are just standard groud-pounding infantry; OSTSs (Orbital Drop Shock Troops; otherwise known as "Helljumpers") are special forces [almost like Marine Force Recon, but more like Delta Force]. Thus, they don't just work together unless they have a reason to do so. Examples:
    ODTSs drop in HEVs into territory where Marines are located.
    An ODST group (squad, company [we wish], etc.) encounter Marines during combat.
    Marines do the same as above to ODSTs.
    Or there is a serious need for reinforcements. But, not sent in together.

Maybe ENS will come by later and explain this to you.
Also; air support like that for a single tank? If these guys are the bset of the best, don't ya think you could have given them a few Rocket Launchers or Missile Launchers? That would have at least covered the stationary guns. But, they might have sent one Longsword for a bombing/strafing run. Once again, I'm not all that big on everything military, so wait for ENS, or just PM him.

Add more detail, too. Make sure you describe your characters and setting so that we can get a great feel for what is going on and where they are.
Your flow was pretty good, but work on that too while your at it.

Overall, it was pretty good, and you set the stage for some good action (just make sure you make it good action). Work on your plot a little, too; get things developed further, fleshed out. Keep working.
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wrote:
Maybe ENS will come by later and explain this to you.

Sorry, I should have mentioned his whole name: (ENS) Rabid Gallagher (http://hboff.bungie.org/profile.php?mode=viewprofile&u=220)

Or, just go here [http://hboff.bungie.org/viewtopic.php?t=576] for a nice military stuff lesson.
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