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Mongoose - From Tulane

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 2:15 pm    Post subject: Mongoose - From Tulane Reply with quote

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Mongoose - From Tulane
Posted by CaptainRaspberry (jptaber@gmail.com)
25 March 2009, 11:50 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CaptainRaspb0325092350171.html
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 3:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is great. You have a way of blending humor with action that works really, really well. Action-comedy is probably my favorite (that's what I write, at least). I hope that you keep writing this guy.

Two little nitpicks: Formatting - it would look a bit nicer with some [indent] tags. And language - some of the profanity kind of snuck up on me and was a little jarring, but maybe that's just my delicate sensibilities Smile

I'm not good at giving in-depth reviews, so you're going to have to settle for a general congratulatory note until someone else writes one.
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks! I wasn't sure if the humor would come off very well. Like I mentioned in the review topic for your last fic, I really like Tim O'Brien and I wanted to see if I could carry that style over. I'll definitely be writing more, if not just for the experiment.

kuba wrote:
Two little nitpicks: Formatting - it would look a bit nicer with some [indent] tags. And language - some of the profanity kind of snuck up on me and was a little jarring, but maybe that's just my delicate sensibilities


I considered doing the [indent] things, but I decided block paragraph would be just fine for now. This is my first time writing for this site and I've never had to do [indent] anyplace else.

As far as swearing, again I point to O'Brien. I was trying to mimic the flavor of his stuff, and the swearing was part of it.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, see, now that is a problem. It's fine to take inspiration from a particular narrative voice, but if you are actually using a specific author as a guide, that's really not good. You should never say "author x does this, so I will too." It's only one step removed from plagiarism, and will quickly stifle your own creativity. Personally, I try to do the opposite. Sometimes if I catch myself getting similar to, say, Douglas Adams' style, I'll ask myself, "what would Adams write in this situation?" And then I do the opposite.
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 4:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said "mimic." I'm not just reading The Things They Carried and Should I Die In a Combat Zone and doing everything he did (or, at least, it's not my intention). I'm just inspired by his particular style, that kind of gruesome, tongue-in-cheek humor and his idea of what a war story is, and I wanted to see if I could translate it well into the Halo universe.

I apologize if I gave you the idea that I'm trying to be "just like Tim O'Brien." I'm trying to be just like me.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 4:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's only natural to take inspiration from another author, as long as it's within reasonable limits. As it is, you have a good voice that's seperate from O'Brian's, so that's good. Just remember that you don't have to use profanity just because he did, for example.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I for one enjoyed the use of swearing to break up conversation.

I loved the ending line and could easily see myself saying the same thing given the situation.

"I swear to God, I almost shot her dead right fucking there."

Overall it was pretty good, there were some slight formatting issues where sentences just needed to be broken up more.

To me the whole story seemed serious yet slapstick at the same time. Very enjoyable
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I thought it was fantastic. So many great lines, too.
Quote:
Bettie Gibbs was another choice, also from second squad, and she proved her worth right up until the last week when Dave Damian Clarke grabbed her tit and she swerved into a swarm of exploding needles. No one said it was on purpose, but one needle stuck her in the elbow and took her out of the fight.

Am I some awful chauvinist pig for laughing my ass off at that passage? Laughing
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 6:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

SeverianofUrth wrote:
Wow, I thought it was fantastic. So many great lines, too.
Quote:
Bettie Gibbs was another choice, also from second squad, and she proved her worth right up until the last week when Dave Damian Clarke grabbed her tit and she swerved into a swarm of exploding needles. No one said it was on purpose, but one needle stuck her in the elbow and took her out of the fight.

Am I some awful chauvinist pig for laughing my ass off at that passage? Laughing Although there really are some formatting errors and such, I bolded that little part for you. Nothing that truly detracts from the story, but it'd certainly improve its presentation.


edit: uh, can someone delete one of these two posts? thought I was editing, but for some reason it double-posted
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great first entry here, Captain. Not surprised kabu liked it, the two of you've got a similar style. You do a good job giving us an interesting supporting cast, and I liked the little anecdotes that went with each of them, especially Gibbs. Razz If you're planning on making a series of this, you've got a good style to work with.

Anyways, great work. You've made it onto my authors to watch list. Wink
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 4:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll add my voice to the "excellent" pile.

I quite liked how you gave your setting a background. I'm a sucker for such things. As I take it that this will be a series, the brief moment of exposition really helped set the scene. This wasn't just planet X - this is now a real place.

All the talk of the Mongoose was very funny. I can just imagine some military tacticians sitting around a table somewhere discussing the utility of this vehicle, and the dread of the actual poor bloody infantry that have to use the thing. The scene with Lieutenant Calhoun trying to grease the rules and get her men out of their obligation to use it, then having to retract it after the incident, seemed really genuine to me. It's exactly how bureaucracies work. Very well done.

You have an understated sense humor that works really well to compliment the material. This was a very enjoyable read. I look forward to more.

- Arthur
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