HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Mongoose - From Tulane
Posted by CaptainRaspberry (jptaber@gmail.com)
25 March 2009, 11:50 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CaptainRaspb0325092350171.html

kabu · Posted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 3:34 pm Post subject:

This is great. You have a way of blending humor with action that works really, really well. Action-comedy is probably my favorite (that's what I write, at least). I hope that you keep writing this guy.

Two little nitpicks: Formatting - it would look a bit nicer with some [indent] tags. And language - some of the profanity kind of snuck up on me and was a little jarring, but maybe that's just my delicate sensibilities Smile

I'm not good at giving in-depth reviews, so you're going to have to settle for a general congratulatory note until someone else writes one.
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CaptainRaspberry · Posted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 10:03 pm Post subject:

Thanks! I wasn't sure if the humor would come off very well. Like I mentioned in the review topic for your last fic, I really like Tim O'Brien and I wanted to see if I could carry that style over. I'll definitely be writing more, if not just for the experiment.

kabu · Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:27 am Post subject:

Ah, see, now that is a problem. It's fine to take inspiration from a particular narrative voice, but if you are actually using a specific author as a guide, that's really not good. You should never say "author x does this, so I will too." It's only one step removed from plagiarism, and will quickly stifle your own creativity. Personally, I try to do the opposite. Sometimes if I catch myself getting similar to, say, Douglas Adams' style, I'll ask myself, "what would Adams write in this situation?" And then I do the opposite.
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CaptainRaspberry · Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 4:34 am Post subject:

I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said "mimic." I'm not just reading The Things They Carried and Should I Die In a Combat Zone and doing everything he did (or, at least, it's not my intention). I'm just inspired by his particular style, that kind of gruesome, tongue-in-cheek humor and his idea of what a war story is, and I wanted to see if I could translate it well into the Halo universe.

I apologize if I gave you the idea that I'm trying to be "just like Tim O'Brien." I'm trying to be just like me.
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kabu · Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 4:42 am Post subject:

It's only natural to take inspiration from another author, as long as it's within reasonable limits. As it is, you have a good voice that's seperate from O'Brian's, so that's good. Just remember that you don't have to use profanity just because he did, for example.
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fallschirmjager · Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:22 am Post subject:

I for one enjoyed the use of swearing to break up conversation.

I loved the ending line and could easily see myself saying the same thing given the situation.

"I swear to God, I almost shot her dead right fucking there."

Overall it was pretty good, there were some slight formatting issues where sentences just needed to be broken up more.

To me the whole story seemed serious yet slapstick at the same time. Very enjoyable
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SeverianofUrth · Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:38 am Post subject:

Wow, I thought it was fantastic. So many great lines, too.

SeverianofUrth · Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 6:10 am Post subject:

kr1 · Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 3:41 pm Post subject:

Great first entry here, Captain. Not surprised kabu liked it, the two of you've got a similar style. You do a good job giving us an interesting supporting cast, and I liked the little anecdotes that went with each of them, especially Gibbs. Razz

If you're planning on making a series of this, you've got a good style to work with.

Anyways, great work. You've made it onto my authors to watch list. Wink

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Arthur Wellesley · Member Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 306 Location: Canada

I'll add my voice to the "excellent" pile.

I quite liked how you gave your setting a background. I'm a sucker for such things. As I take it that this will be a series, the brief moment of exposition really helped set the scene. This wasn't just planet X - this is now a real place.

All the talk of the Mongoose was very funny. I can just imagine some military tacticians sitting around a table somewhere discussing the utility of this vehicle, and the dread of the actual poor bloody infantry that have to use the thing. The scene with Lieutenant Calhoun trying to grease the rules and get her men out of their obligation to use it, then having to retract it after the incident, seemed really genuine to me. It's exactly how bureaucracies work. Very well done.

You have an understated sense humor that works really well to compliment the material. This was a very enjoyable read. I look forward to more.

- Arthur
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