HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Prologue
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:28 am    Post subject: Prologue Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Prologue
Posted by Firestorm
6 December 2004, 2:42 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=firestorm.1206040242001.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 4:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, Firestorm, I'm glad to see you used indentation and code. That's very good. Very good.

Is this your first piece of work? If so, it's good, judging by those standards.

But, it's not the best I've seen. I'd like to help you to get better at writing. If you're going to stay and write, you'd best start learning right away.

So, let's take a brief overview of the story.

Your beginning is quite good - the flashing of battle, the sounds of gunfire, a kid running into battle only to get his arm lopped off by a plasma sword.

But the lack of details drag your story down. Think of it this way:

Your story is like a blimp. Detail fills the blimp, allowing it to float upward.

But there isn't enough detail to get it up. Every little bump is like a heavy rock tied to the blimp. The story doesn't flow well enough, as there are too many short sentences in the story. Each period stops us. As Chuckles would say, "It's like a speed-bump."



Now, I'll take a closer look at what you've got.


Instead he moved around the tree and focused his rifle on the head of a Jackal that was harassing a marine. Through the rain he saw it's head pop like a balloon, spraying blue blood everywhere, as he squeezed the trigger.


Remember, we want the action shown. Not described.

Also, your use of "was" is terrible. It's a common mistake, yes, but it's not proper in the use of thrillers.

Watch your Grammar, "it's" should be "its."


Now, I'll rewrite that out in full, doing what I can. This is just a generic passage.


[INDENT] Instead of backing away, Eric hurtled around the thick tree trunk. With a quick flick of his thumb, he brought the safety lever to the 'off' position, the thin red band around the lever signalling the weapon's readiness. Eric watched a Jackal, shield ready, discharge its pistol into a fellow Marine's chest. The marine flopped on the ground, lifeless and burned.
[INDENT]Eric brought his rifle to bear, peering through the scope, aligning the weapon's sights on the Jackal's head. His finger came to rest on the trigger.

[INDENT] Eric gave the trigger a gentle squeeze as he had always been instructed to in his training. The light of the muzzle flash was reflected in his visor, but through the rain and the fierce yellow light, Eric could see the rounds tear into the Jackal's head.




Now, take a look at what I've done there. Take your time.




I'd also like to tell you about this part as well.


Before he could turn around an Energy Sword came slashing down right through his right arm cutting it off.

"and he died." "...and he got killed." "...and blew him up."

Those are common mistakes, and although common, they will net you heavy penalties. Can you think of a way to re-write it without using that?


[INDENT] Before Eric could turn, the deadly whine of an energy sword reached his ears. Eric dodged instinctively, but he couldn't outrun a plasma saber as it crashed down upon him, slashing through his arm. The limb, its end smoking, parted from Eric's shoulder, falling to the ground, twitching.






Okay. So, we've covered action.

But hear this.

Many first-timers think that a story is all action and gore. They are wrong.

A story revolves around plot and setting, not action. Although you did mention the place, you did little to describe it, so the name is worth nothing at all. Not a thing.

Without a setting and a plot, your story is nothing but words on a page. No work done, no imagination. Nothing.

So, you're going to need to spend more time coming up with a plot and a setting. You will need them. No matter what. And if you've turned out another "Generic Hero story" or a "Invasion of Earth" story, it's not worth much. You're going to need a full plotline as well.

Your characters are poorly described. All we know about Eric is his name, his age, and what he does for a living. We need to know more about him. The person your story revolves around should be well-described. When he got his arm cut off, I figured. "So. This kid's going to have a tough time playing piano." But nothing else. If you had developed him properly, we would have felt the emotion - feel the strain.

When developing characters, give them a background. Give them a history. Give them personal tastes. Give them every little detail - every scar, every event they've been through.

And most importantly, give them a fear.


Now, about your title, the title is terrible. Most first-timers have thought that a title isn't important. They are wrong as well.

Your title should stand for itself, the story and a greater meaning as well. It's not supposed to be just a statement, you know.



All in all, for a first time story, this one is good, but you've got lots to work on if you want to win any awards or become recogised here as a good writer. You don't have to become the best. You just have to remain competent, and you will improve with practice.

Enjoy what you do. Writing should never be seen as a task or just busy work.


Good Luck, and perhaps in the future you could do a reissue (Usually it's good to start the story off with a stronger beginning)

If you need any more help, or if you'd like to chat or something, don't hesitate to contact me on the links below my message.



Very truly yours,
- Dave.

Post Script - Remember, skill will come in time. The more you practice, the better you will get.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 4:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, I would try working on your title. Have a name for your story that conveys an overall idea, or just a symbolic short phrase. Now, don't go and make things really long. Just a couple words is best. The reason being so that we know what story this prologue is to, and what any following chapters relate to.
"The hard, cold rain pounded out of the sky..." Here is just an example to remind you to watch how you phrase things. Rain cannot pound out of the sky. It can fall out of it, or come from it, or pour from it; but pounding is generally reserved as a term describing something hitting/striking something else. So, the rain could pound the ground, but not out of something. Good description, though.
Make sure to capitalize your proper nouns [such as "Marines"]. And spell out numbers, too. It helps your flow.
Oh, I noticed a missing word there, too. Now, I will make annother suggestion to avoid this. Proofread. Proofreading just a couple times can sift out most of the small mistakes. Now, having a friend proofread can do the same and more. They might notice a story element or character glitch that you didn't. So, I highly encourage the avid and prodigious use of thorough proofreading (also known as editing).
I would work on characters as well. I didn't really believe that guy's, or the woman's, reaction. You didn't explain ti that well, and so I was thinking to myself "Why the hell is he spontaineously doing that? And why doesn't she respond like a real human would?" So, get into their heads more, describe what they are feeling and what their expressions are.
That brings me to the next subject. Details. You actually did very well with general stuff, but, you need to go into more description and explenation throughout your story. We want to see everything that is going on. Thus, you must learn to show us what is happening, not simply tell it to us.

Overall, this is a very decent story. If you work to improve, you will definetely get better. You have a good start; so keep practicing and posting here.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah.

Remember, you can improve. There's always room for improvement.

And most importantly, persevere. Don't give up, and don't be shy. We don't bite. (Unless we get bitten first)

- Dave.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, my colleagues above covered it all. Listen to them.

The only thing I will say is the whole 'arms being cut off' thing was a little unbelievable. Otherwise, the story's off to a descent start.

-Russ
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 4:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The heat of the sword would cauterize the wound, you know. I'm sure that wasn't intended, but it would be better to have your arm slashed off by a plasma blade than a steel blade.

- Dave.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
MasterSushi
Member


Joined: 14 Sep 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked Holy crap... Shocked

Dave, MCC. You guys are the best.

Quote:
The heat of the sword would cauterize the wound, you know. I'm sure that wasn't intended, but it would be better to have your arm slashed off by a plasma blade than a steel blade.


What like a lightsaber?

I'm not a Star Wars fan but here's a bit of trivia:

Lightsabers seal the wound (hence the lack of gore or 'real' violence). But in 'that one where Luke gets his hand chopped off,' There is blood coming from his wounded hand.
Mistake?
Purpose?
Conspiracy?

Boy, do I sound like a dork now...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
(Na)Marl
Member


Joined: 03 Nov 2004
Posts: 689
Location: --Looking for you! I have a knife!

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Not good, but not bad. The title died. It fell in a ditch. (Hehe, I made a joke.) You didn't describe the world and people enough, which would have made your fiction a LOT better. We know nothing about the kid or what anything around him looks like, except that the kid is in a park.
--You used some good action, but nothing too fancy. On minute he was killing a Jackal, the next he was lying in bed with a plasma wound. The problem, not enough. He shot a Jackal, got his arm cut, then it was over.
--I also had a hard time following the Unknown Area part.
--Also, your fiction was a tad short.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dang. When I wrote that, Dave hadn't posted. But, strangely, he pointed out most of what I forgot or didn't bother to say. Darn the telapathy of us Regulars!
But, I will point out a few more things here.
Setting. I almost got no feeling for you setting. You kept things mainly focused on your characters, which is alright, but you want to have your reader being able to see exactly where your characters are. The only thing I really have to go off of is that the guy was next to a tree. Other than that, he could be in a section of Central Park based on the surface of the moon and we would have never known.
But, through this, you also have to use enough detail to get us into the minds of your character. When that guy had his arms cut off, I really didn't care about him. Make sure that we do. Get into their personalities and what they are really thinking and feeling.

Now, about the Plasma Sword thing...
It's actually kind of odd. In the books, it makes things bleed. Like in FS when it cut into John's shoulder and across Haverson's chest. It bled. It wasn't seaered.
But, realistically, since it is plasma (super heated [ionized] gas), it should sear on contact. Like a lightsaber.
But, that brings up the question that one of my friends always asks: why don't the Elite's hands get burnt?

Anyway, yeah. work to improve. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
MasterSushi
Member


Joined: 14 Sep 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 7:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What? When their holding it?
If so then they have a handle.
Like a hilt of a sword...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Perhaps it's coming from a bracer on the side of their arms.

Remember, in Halo one, the Saber-Wielding elites had strange glowing arm bands after you killed them.

Or, perhaps it's coming from a metal cylinder - perhaps the metal cylinder explodes when the elite drops it.

But, well, about blood coming off Luke's stump, there could be an explaination. Drama. It's for the dramatics. So, it could easily be a mistake.

Besides, cauterizing the wound always leaves a little blood.

- Dave.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, it does. Blood vessels would rupture, expecially with a quick cut, so everything, 'specially big arteries, would not have time to seal fully.

As for the hand thing, my friend always tried to describe it like this:
If the Elite's hand is so close to the plasma (like an inch or two) what keeps them from burning? A shield? Maybe. The design? Maybe. Still, I want to know!

He's a funny guy. Still a fairly legit question. That just proves that we have a lot to learn about Covie tech. And that in stories we can make a lot of stuff up (as long as we think about it and make it make sense).
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Nick Kang
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 2:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm...not bad, for a first.

There are, however, several grammatical errors in it that I caught, such as the nurse's use of the word 'is' when she was talking, it was not the right word.

Other than that, just be sure to PM me, Dave, or MCC if you need any help.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Brigade_of_marines
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 67
Location: Jacksonville, Florida

PostPosted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 3:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice. Listen to the 500+ guys. They KNOW there stuff.

I wish i could be a nerdy English guy or cool English(as in teacher) rockestar... Sad
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address
MasterSushi
Member


Joined: 14 Sep 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Drama. It's for the dramatics.


I think you're right, I heard they added the blood because such a dramatic scene was rubbish without it.


When you strike an opponent in H2 with an energy sword, they bleed don't they?

Question Question Question
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group