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Worth Fighting For; CH 5: Mr. Delrey

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 2:28 pm    Post subject: Worth Fighting For; CH 5: Mr. Delrey Reply with quote

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Worth Fighting For; CH 5: Mr. Delrey
Posted by DevilsInjector (mj-power@hotmail.com)
19 March 2009, 2:04 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DevilsInject0319091404451.html
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 5:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I think it was decent--but Arther's name is spelled Artheer or Arthr in some places, and other grammatical errors kinda ruin the flow. You need to work on the simple things first, like knowing the differences between 'your' and 'you're.' You really need to get the small things down first, because if you want to tell an engaging story, you need to make sure that you aren't tripping over your own feet.

Something I noticed is that you seem very comfortable when describing technical stuff, but you falter when you get to anything involving human beings. Things like 'he stood stark' (what does that mean?) just make the whole thing sound awkward, along with the uncomfortable conversations between the teammates. Finally, just a personal opinion, but anything that hints at 300 just makes the story sound like... well, hell, we ARE writing fanfics, but somethings need to be kept away. Like half-naked pseudo Greeks.


I don't know, man. All I can say is, keep writing, because it takes time for everyone to get better. I've been writing for six some years and I still can't string three words together without sounding like a retard.
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