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War of Eayn: Chapter 3

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 2:28 pm    Post subject: War of Eayn: Chapter 3 Reply with quote

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War of Eayn: Chapter 3
Posted by Offensive Bias (cheeseandbeans@msn.com)
18 March 2009, 4:26 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Offensive_Bi0318091626011.html
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 4:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Where's chapter two? Confused


Better than the first one, but still not spectacular. Your descriptions need work, like the description of the beam rifle: "It had this. It was that. It had those." A better description might have been: "A dull, purple gleam passed along its surface. The dim forest light caught on corrugations in the metal of the long, oddly shaped gun." Something like that. When describing something, an object or a scene, try to avoid the word "was." In dialog and sometimes narration, it's fine, but when it's in a description that one word can make the most poetic imagery fall flat.

Your characters are still cutouts, it seems to me. They probably have personalities in your mind, but try and bring those out better in your writing, because right now it reads like a bunch of people we don't know running around doing things without much real reason, and standing around when you aren't focused on them. I would reccommend writing a few non-action stories to improve your character skills. Take my Harold's series as a good example; no description, no action, just dialog, a bartender and his customer, up until the last one, which still has no action to speak of.

You sat down and wrote one thousand words for us, which tells me you have the potential to be a writer, but you really need to polish your craft.
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm confused. When did chapter 2 come out?
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 2 is in the submission for chapter one, it seems.
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