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The Humanist

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 2:27 pm    Post subject: The Humanist Reply with quote

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The Humanist
Posted by XMixMasterX (xmixmasterx@gmail.com)
14 March 2009, 6:09 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=XMixMasterX0314091809021.html
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 4:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think I've quite read anything like this on HBO. In professional sci-fi rags? Yes. HBO? No.

That doesn't mean it's quite professional quality, however.

This was quite good, though. I have no idea what was going on, but it was certainly interesting. A good break from the standard gung-ho action pieces.
Complaints? Don't use numerals in the text or dialog, spell them out if convenient. "Past" instead of "passed," "soul" instead of "sole," all common spelling gaffes, but you should have caught them on a read-through. Also, don't use caps-lock for emphasis--I can understand why you didn't use italics, but perhaps they would have served better. Also, in a few places your wording was a bit awkward, like you repeated the same thing in two different ways.

Without knowing more, I can't give more advice. It's interesting, though, to say the least. Wink
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's more than a handful of spelling mistakes, though perhaps that was intentional.

I'm fascinated by this piece. I have to say in all honesty it took me until the end to figure out what the hell was going on. This is one of those rare submissions that you have to read twice, because you see things MUCH clearer the second time through. Your block structure pissed me off, I would have liked spacing between paragraphs, but that's just nit picking. GREAT stuff. Thought provoking. A wonderful Friday morning read.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 2:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

WAT

This was intense. Seriously, aside from the already mentioned formatting issues (which weren't that big of a problem for me), you've made quite an astounding piece. Suspense is built perfectly, tense without being frustrating. There isn't much to say that hasn't already been said, so let me just say that this was wonderful.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 1:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a total mind trip. Bravo.

I probably oughta get the obligatory formatting gripes out of the way:

1) You need block paragraphs (ie, a space between paragraphs).
2) Too much of the text is in italics - as Az suggested, inverting the two would be appropriate, and actually heighten the sense that the running monologue IS the reality, and the external interaction is disconnected.
3) Frequent misspelling and missing punctuation.

Now, to the nut meat.

It's kinda hard to know what to say about this piece. The word "efficacious" comes to mind. You seem to have a flair for writing believable insanity which, while it may not necessarily speak well of your character, made for a compelling read. Following the twists and turns of the AI's thought process was fascinating, and seemed to take on a bizarre logic all its own. The descent into psychosis was genuinely spooky. You didn't have to try and overtly disturb us - it was a natural reaction to the deranged thoughts you gave us a window to. The vitriolic description of the captain in particular sent a chill up my spine.

I'm still not sure exactly what's going on here. If Reno's "imprint mother" was crazy herself and it carried over; if she had a disorder that was submerged in the human form but gained expression in the AI form; or if the AI is simply batshit. of course, it doesn't matter. This fic isn't about answering those questions. It's about giving us a glimpse into insanity. And it does that very well.

Besides the formatting complaints, my only other gripe would be that I wanted more. But, maybe brevity was put to good use here. It's not long, but its full of little touches that make it one of the most interesting pieces I've ever read here.

Great job.

- Arthur
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't really have much to say that the others haven't, but good job here. Very entertaining read. A few spelling gaffes, and I would've reversed the italics like a few suggested, but still, good work.
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J. D. Ford
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Joined: 20 Sep 2007
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 6:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My only complaint was the sheer quantity of italicised text (which can be hard on the eyes). Other than that...well done. 1st person POV isn't the easiest to pull off, but you seem to have the knack for it. You also have a good grasp on your character's persona. This is clear from the efficient, dynamic pacing and crisp, realistic dialogue. Keep up the good work...I'd like to see more from you, and especially more exposition at some point (and perhaps a 3rd person story or two?).


~J. D.
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 6:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found it good overall (italicized text doesn't bother me terribly), but I had some problems with redundancy. I'm paraphrasing here, but at one point you said that your character was "weighed down by the liquid," and not two sentences later you repeated the sentiment: "the liquid weighed me down terribly." I can understand repetition for effect, but a lot of it seemed like it was stuff that should have been eliminated in the second draft.

But your writing is solid and your characterization chilling.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 7:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was incredible. Terminatorish, in an AI from Halo way.
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