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Fic Pic of the Week (March 6th)

 
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baneofdeath
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Location: If i tell you will you promise not to come to my house and rape me?

PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 4:50 pm    Post subject: Fic Pic of the Week (March 6th) Reply with quote

Well, I guess not all weeks can be winners. I’m sorry to those who posted, but the stories were just not very well done this week. As always, I will give a review of each submission to help the writers of the respective stories improve. With the only decent submission not actually being a story, ( It is a poem ) my job is pretty much done for me. Nonetheless, I will still order the stories in order from last place to the winner.

In 4th place we have, Halo: Hell jumper By: (Reaper) 105th ODST

The fact that you ripped off most of the Fall of Reach Prologue as far as both combat and dialogue goes, really starts this story off on a bad note. But, getting away from plagiarism, this story did not have the quality to make up for it being a rip-off.

First of all, this story was very choppy, one of the biggest examples I could find was…

Quote:
He decided to take a peek for himeself especially since the human eye was much more reliable than any machine. What he say sent chills up and down his spine and for some strange reason made him want revenge - but he could not find a reason - then it hit him...

Years ago when he was just a young boy, he had been with his friends when the covenant made first contact with the human race. He had seen his entire family slaughtered by this very same group of enemy...


The spelling here is bad enough to take any feeling out of the story whatsoever, the occasional mistake is fine, but this just got to be ridiculous. More to the point, your choice of words did very little to facilitate a smooth flow. The first sentence had far too many unneeded words, if you read it out loud then things like that would be caught more often. One change could be…

He looked for himself, knowing machines were less reliable then human eyes.

We do not need to know that he decided to take a look, it is obvious what his decisions are based on his actions. The unneeded words which talk about how the human eye is better then a machine just make it a bit too long winded. “Especially since” disrupts the flow of the story, and these small disruptions add up. Just use a simple word to describe this action, “Knowing that machines were less reliable then human eyes.” says the same as “Especially since the human eye was much more reliable then any machine,” But in a smoother way.

This brings me to another point, description, you really need to take us into a character’s mind, these guys were faceless super marines, which I cannot stand.

Quote:
The Gunnery Sgt. had killed many covenant before, but this time it was more personal... He shared his plan of attack with his three fellow HellJumpers (all that was left of his friends). One of them said "four of us and 10,000 of them? sounds like good odds to me." Then all four of them in unison said "FEET FIRST INTO HELL!"


The Gung Ho persona without the emotional back-up is just a tragedy waiting to happen. It is not enough to say that it is personal, you need to spell out his feelings to the readers, otherwise, no one is going to care about them at all. It is a very simple process to add feeling, just piggyback his words or thoughts with a few descriptive words, like…

Original : but this time it was more personal

Revised : but this time, it was personal, the memories of the covenant atrocities filled the Sergeant with rage.

Kind of made up on the spot but, you get the idea.

In the end, your story was a choppy plagiarized smattering of faceless super marine characters. Trust me that will NEVER fly on this site, take a look at what I have posted and try to soak in all of the advice that you can get.

And PS: spell out numbers!!!

In 3rd place we have Brotherhood in war: The Hill By: Anonymous

This was not that much better, but at least the idea was kind of original, but seemed oddly reminiscent of the hill 400 on the COD 2 campaign.

But, I will not venture into that, there are far more pressing matters.

This story was a nightmare when it came to reading; there was nothing more then arbitrary breaks in the paragraphs. You had random summaries of the past events mixed in with present combat scenes, it was nearly impossible to tell what was going on at that moment. It got better in the December 13th paragraph, but you really need to work on description of action.

First of all, when talking about a fight, never have a summary of recent events in the same paragraph, the flow of the combat scene will be disturbed, which is bad if you are trying to pull the reader into a sense of immersion in the field of battle. Second, you need to show what the characters are thinking about; their feelings have to come out in either their thoughts or their speech. You did not dive into very much detail about the action, but it was not too horrible.

In conclusion, you have the basic parts of a story, if you work on formatting and general description then I could see your Fics becoming pretty good.

In 2nd place we have Chapter 6: Coup of the Triumphant. By: Enthrone Darkness

There is the obvious issue with the title, but I’m not going to dive into that.

Your story has several new characters, and they seem to not really have much of a place, whether that is because you entered in chapter six before five (Not a good idea.) To be honest I was not a fan of this story, to begin, I do not like crossovers. But, this was not executed well, there was noticeably more detail in the part containing the opening KGB agents, but they were written horribly out of character, far too lax and far to civilian like. The Jedi introduction was not well explained, and there was just endless dialogue without much emotional back-up. I will say that your emotional insight has improved, and with practice could turn out pretty well. But, there is still a long way to go for you. This story made second place because the others were not as good, but all three of these stories were rather sub-par, the first two had faceless characters in a hellish combat. But this one at least was more of a character development story.

In first place we have ODST poem By: Cyclone 75

This was really the only decent submission in my opinion, and I’m not really a fan of poems, this was short, and overall just plain average.



In conclusion, i was disheartened by the subbmissions, i hope that the readers take this advise to heart and improve on their stories.
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Enth Darkness Triumphant
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 3:23 am    Post subject: Re: Fic Pic of the Week (March 6th) Reply with quote

baneofdeath wrote:
whether that is because you entered in chapter six before five (Not a good idea.)


Ya, chapter 5 is going to be the prelude to the prologue, I just haven't had the time to put all my ideas together properly. But if you notice, you can go from chapter 3 to 6 without missing a beat, and 4+5 are standalone. I do however thank you for you insight regarding character development. I am trying to do it over a period of chapter versus just one. As I said before, I am looking for a beta to help me out, if anyone is willing.
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baneofdeath
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 5:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll be glad to help you. So, PM me with details
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good work, bane. Hopefully I'll have time to get to some myself.

- Arthur
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