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War: A Descriptive Scene, Helljumper, Brutes

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 9:59 am    Post subject: War: A Descriptive Scene, Helljumper, Brutes Reply with quote

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War: A Descriptive Scene, Helljumper, Brutes
Posted by Chris Scott (motivated5@yahoo.com)
16 February 2009, 5:32 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Chris_Scott0216091732391.html
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I guess the title really fits the story - this certainly is a descriptive scene. It's very, well, descriptive. In a good way. But, you went maybe a tiny bit overboard. I think that you don't really need to say "This is the way the world ends". It's pretty well implied. Other than a few nitpicks (spelling, please use [indent]) this is an interesting read. It's certainly a new flavor from the usual.

Oh, one little pet peeve - methane is ODORLESS. It has no smell whatsoever, it burns to release carbon dioxide and water and that's it. I've seen so many stories (not just yours) use "the stench of methane" as a descriptive term, but the smell of gas (as in cooking gas, propane) is actually an artificial bitterant added by the gas company, which would not form naturally on a planet where animals have a methane based metabolism - which is also impossible, but you can blame Bungie for that one.
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