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Letters of a Corpsman: Finality

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 1:06 pm    Post subject: Letters of a Corpsman: Finality Reply with quote

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Letters of a Corpsman: Finality
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher ((ENS)_Rabid_Gallagher)
13 February 2009, 5:00 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0213090500441.html
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lack of comments is still disappointing... nonetheless, Gallagher, this was a great piece.

The news of her death was well delivered. It felt like a genuine military-style death notification; somewhat unemotional, fact-based, and laudatory. The final line, which added a personal touch, brought it home and concluded it well.

As for Michelle's own letter, you really had to nail the emotion to make it effective. Her final correspondence, from beyond the grave? Oh yeah - you had to find the right tone.

Unfortunately there was a bit of a rocky start. I'm not sure how well the salutation (Dear My Beloved) works syntactically. The first couple paragraphs were a little rough as well. You used blood-lust as an adjective, and the clinical establishment of her death was a questionable direction.

Fortunately, everything beyond that was gold. The emotion was palpable. Her final request for her husband to look after all her loved ones was stirring, especially since she would not be there to look after him. It was so effective because it was emotional without feeling like it was deliberately pulling on our heartstrings. Nicely done.

I assume this is the end of the series. Well done, Gallagher. I've really enjoyed reading.

- Arthur
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kr1
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh, I forget that I didn't post my comments, they're in the Fic Pick. I'll just say I like the idea, like the series of letters, but Michelle seemed a bit demanding at times, especially considering her husband would be grieving and looking for comfort. Still good, though.

Slightly more detailed review tonight. Wink
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks guy.

Arthur: I knew there was a rocky start, but in order to correctly detail emotion, you can't have perfect prose and grammer when it comes to the representation of an actual letter. I don't know if you will agree with me on this, but I think it's more realistic if there are errors and prose errors when it comes to re-enacting, especially since Miranda never really hard enough of English.

But, I think I sometimes concentrate on emotion of the letter a little too much, especially when I put raw plot and emotion over correct grammar, which sometimes makes or breaks a story, especially one of this length. If there is too many, I apologize; I'm terrible at proofreading.

But thank you, Arthur. I'm very happy you kept up with most of this series. Very Happy

kr: Hey, she's a Navy Corpsman serving with hardline Marine units. I think the fact she's showing any emotion at all is something. Very Happy

But thank you! Smile
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