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In Which Misfortune Will Soon Befall Our Protagonist - A 'Ba

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 1:05 pm    Post subject: In Which Misfortune Will Soon Befall Our Protagonist - A 'Ba Reply with quote

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In Which Misfortune Will Soon Befall Our Protagonist - A 'Bad Days' Interlude
Posted by kabu (will36@gmail.com)
13 February 2009, 3:46 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kabu0213090346361.html

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This story becomes about a trillion times funnier if you read Chuckles' excellent "Nai Gor: The Devil You Don't" right afterwards.
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baneofdeath
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 7:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wether it is my attachment to issac or what, i did not enjoy this story as much as the other ones. Don't get me wrong, it was pretty well done, but after all of the fights that i've read concerning AIs i guess i just got a bit bored with them. I hope that you start up again with issac soon.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 7:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's why this is an "interlude." The title references Isaac, not Zhao, as Leon is on his way to Isaac's base. I didn't want to introduce him cold, though, and decided that I should stick in a non-action story to break up the constant battle scenes. Really, this is a tip 'o the hat to Chuckles' "Nai Gor" tale, which I enjoyed very much.

That being said, this was probably the most fun story for me to write in the whole series.
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baneofdeath
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree that it was a good idea for you to give an introduction to the AI if he is going to be playing a considerable role in the series. I'm very eager to see how you have Issac reacting to Leon's presense.

Don't take what i said as an insult i just liked issac's adventures so much that i was hoping for another chapter concerning him.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 06, 2009 6:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just a small formatting issue to get out of the way: I personally like block-paragraphing. You obviously use the CODE, and formatting in this piece is technically perfect. But in terms of readability: look at the first couple of paragraphs. At first glance it looks like a text-wall of doom. I always recommend CODE + block paragraphing for optimal readability.

Now, on to the real nut-meat.

I was going to ask if this was inspired at all by Nai-Gor, until I saw you said as much in the comments. The dynamic between a off-kilter AI and a human interrogator is really interesting. The human could, at any time, destroy the AI - and yet, in both fics, it seems as if the AI has all the power in the relationship. This sense was well conveyed here, and made Zhao's frustration very real to the reader.

Your distinctive, fun-to-read style continues strong in this chapter. It always makes for an entertaining read. I sometimes have problems with it, however. For instance:

Quote:
Zhao glared at him, and he subsided a bit.


Quote:
Anyway, she managed a credible stalking gait in the two steps it took to cross to her desk and pick up her tablet.


These are examples where the narrative slips into an overly casual tone. While I understand that this is intentional, as if the tale were being told in conversational recollection, this should be done more carefully and use more deliberate wit. You show in many instances that you are capable of this, such as:

Quote:
His voice dripped with enough sarcasm to drown a whale.


This is humorous and clever, poking fun at a common English phrase (dripping with sarcasm). It works well to establish the casual tone without being clunky or out of place. Make sure, if you're taking artistic liberties, that the liberties work and sound good.

An interesting development, and an effective digression. The bombastic Leon seems like he'll be a perfect addition to your over-the-top tale, and I eagerly anticipate where you end up taking this.

- Arthur
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