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To the Last Man, revised edition, Part One Chapter Prologue

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:26 am    Post subject: To the Last Man, revised edition, Part One Chapter Prologue Reply with quote

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To the Last Man, revised edition, Part One Chapter Prologue
Posted by John Gurule, Jr. (d3jsgurule@yahoo.com)
4 December 2004, 7:57 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=john_gurule,.1204040757264.html
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2004 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would avoid long ANs. Explain most of that kind of thing in a post (just get up at about 6 am and see if the stories are up yet; I've done that before).

Well, I would work on how you make your characters interact. Friends or not, you should have at least made those two stiffen up (gotten more serious/in the zone) as the ship was being "attacked." It would have made things more believable.
Details, too. I couldn't really tell if that Admiral was sitting on the john or in his office or in his car (well, maybe not that one). That means that you didn't explain your setting. Get ys into the mood by conveying the physicals of the environments and characters. Work on that.
If Johnson was a top-notch Marine ('specially an ODST) he would not be panting after running two klicks. He might me talking some deep breaths, but those kind of folks are a lot more fit than you or I.
Make sure to always cap proper nouns.
Watch how you make your main character sound as well. Making them seem good is okay, making a normal Human seem like a Spartan is not. Keep things believeable. Even the 'Chief gets hurt in tight situations.
Plot. Expand and develop your plot, too. Get the main idea of the story across well; else people will wonder what is really going on.

Overall,it was pretty decent. But, though you have improved, you still need to work more. Don't get discouraged, just keep pushing yourself to get better and better. You will be rewarded with your eventual results.
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