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We Lucky Few - A 'Bad Days' story

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 2:44 pm    Post subject: We Lucky Few - A 'Bad Days' story Reply with quote

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We Lucky Few - A 'Bad Days' story
Posted by kabu (will36@gmail.com)
5 February 2009, 3:45 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kabu0205090345411.html

AN:
Quote:
This is *not* the end of the series - I have plenty of Ideas (capital "I" intended) - one about Charles, one more about Kendal (who has a hidden past), and one standalone just about Isaac and another character yet to be introduced that I won't spoil.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very enjoyable, kabu. A bit more serious, but still enough to laugh at. You've got a talent for describing action here, too, not just the funny side.

Are you gonna start each of these new ideas as their own mini-series, separate from this? I personally think this chapter makes for a good ending point for the introduction to all of your characters.

And this line was great:

Quote:
The Grunt on the left jerked backwards, as if struck by a sudden thought


Great work. Wink
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kabu
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 2:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think I'm gonna keep writing through Isaac's perspective for now - you're going to find out more about Kendal from Isaac's skewed perspective, and will have to draw you're own conclusion. Specifically, I read those stories a while ago about ------

edit: I've said too much. IT WAS HIS SLED!
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Last edited by kabu on Wed Feb 11, 2009 3:56 am; edited 2 times in total
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 2:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very entertaining. Though ginormous explosions normally seem gratuitous and wank-ish, this one fit in well. This story had a more serious, slightly less slapstick feel to it, which is both good and bad. Good part is that it's showing more mature writing. Bad part is that you've lost a fraction of your humor value, so you'll have to make up for that with better characterization and description. Which you have. In spades.

Good job. Smile
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I did get to this, as I said. Eventually. Then I saw you had another fic out. Damn you, Kabu! Oh well, I'll comment on this one for now.

This was another great entry, and successfully continued your foray into a real story, veering (somewhat) from the vignette approach. It need hardly be said that the writing style of this piece was its greatest asset. First, it is, for the most part, clear and readable, which makes it an instantly pleasing read. Secondly, the colorful word choice, delivered through an eccentric, possibly unreliable first person narrative, is consistently interesting and fun. The frequent use of onomatopoeia in this chapter furthered the sense that Isaac is relating his story almost by way of conversation, and so justifies all the little quirks and oddities of the narrative.

This chapter, for the first time, had some pretty good character development. In previous iterations, Isaac was so dominant that it was mostly a solo character study of him. Here, his comrades had rather more of a part to play. The development still seemed a little shallow, but it seems intentionally so, given the style of the narrative and the understandable focus on Isaac.

By the way, I loved this passage (probably shouldn't read if you want to avoid spoilers):

Quote:
I leapt. In midair, I twisted to grab both portable fire extinguishers from my shin-harnesses. I swung them forwards, bellowing a fearsome war cry (most certainly not screaming like a little girl) and smashed the buttons. Time slowed down, as I felt the shock of the compressed gas cylinders releasing. A blast of powdery foam soared ahead of me, like the waves breaking over the prow of a ship sailing through a hurricane, except instead of a hurricane it was fire retardant and instead of waves it was flames. I sailed through the air, arms outstretched, tossing the spent extinguishers to each side as I landed and rolled over the still-glowing embers.


This was a hilarious extension of the fire theme, established in the first chapter. I pictured a John Woo slo mo sequence, our hero flying through the hair, duel-wielding... fire extinguishers. Hilarious. I laughed out loud.

My complaint remains the same. The tone strayed from cynically and funny ("'I would prefer that they pin the medals at the hospital and not at the fucking funeral.''I really doubt there'd be enough left to pin a medal to, Isaac.'") to clunky, almost silly asides ("Seriously, if your going to utterly and completely wipe out a species in a horrifying, atrocity-filled war of attrition, at least do it properly for God's (or the Gods', I guess) sake(s).") The slapstick comedy of the plasma grenades, however, was admittedly well executed.

Anyway, great stuff. I'll try to get to your next ASAP.

- Arthur
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Arthur, the dual fire extinguisher slo-mo part was comedic genius.
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