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Letters of a Corpsman: Voi

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 1:14 pm    Post subject: Letters of a Corpsman: Voi Reply with quote

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Letters of a Corpsman: Voi
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
29 January 2009, 2:59 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0129090259591.html
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UNSC Trooper
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Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was pretty good, but I have some stylistic bitching to do. Wink

Quote:
I’m in Voi now, serving with Lieutenant Viljálmar and the men here who were stationed here when the Covenant attacked again.

"Here" is repetitive.

Quote:
My Warthog, with the Lieutenant on it, was hit by a Banshee.

ON it? Was he tied to the hood? Laughing

Quote:
All around me was screams for help,

I'm sounding like a bitch, I know, but I need to point out these errors because I really like to read this series.

Quote:
I had to strain my ears to hear his words.

I'm not sure you can actually strain your ears. Maybe she moved closer to him as he spoke, or something.

I liked the ending the most, though, and Michelle's moral conflict. What would her husband think about her? Would he still love her or would he consider her just another young recruit in the UNSC looking for thrills and killing for fun? Pretty good.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good lord. Only one comment? People: this piece is, to be precise, 1,158 words. It only took about 5 minutes to read. Come on.

Another great entry, Gallagher. Like the last piece, Michelle's letter really centered around one incident to both convey the emotion and to express the writer's state of mind. You started by sucking us in with a brutal, vivid description of the Voi battle scene, and Michelle's place within it. Your account of Viljálmar and the boy was very good. I'm glad to see that you're not using the letter format as a gimmick, but rather as the fundamental framework for the story. She described the scene as she saw it and as she felt it, and you didn't slip into a more traditional narrative. This made the scene very effective. It is like the reader himself comes across the scene through her mind's eye. Nicely done.

Her conclusion was very emotional. I expect war would make you question many things about yourself you would otherwise take for granted. Obviously she was right to report Viljálmar's breakdown, but that is not something you could ever feel good about. What a shitty situation to be forced into. You did a good job at communicating this moral dilemma, just as you did in the previous piece.

My complaint on this piece mirrors UNSC Trooper's. There are too many GPS errors. Too many even if this were a fairly long chapter, which it is not. You gotta tighten up that department. Read it over twice before you submit, and I guarantee you'll either get a pristine piece or one so close to it I won't even bother bringing it up.

Anyway, very enjoyable fic; great presentation, great emotion. And please, don't be discouraged by the dearth of comments. It can be disheartening, believe me, I know. But I'd hate to lose another talented writer, and this is a good forum to test your stuff, if you ever want to go on to do more serious works.

Looking forward to what you got.

- Arthur
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, guys. I'm not dishearted, just a little bit sad, that's all.

And you're right; I do make a lot of mistakes, and I'll tighten up.

But I'm going to be honest with you guys; this style is really hard to keep up a single, straight line of thought and plot with one character at the centerpiece. I've never really done this before, but I'm really glad you guys are enjoying it.
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Andres
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 1:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Beautiful, really. Just as a note, Gautier Viljálmar, didn't really seem like a good combat leader if he collapsed that way... Despite the fact that everyone breaks.
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry I didn't commenet on this earlier, Gallagher. I read it a while ago, just forgot. Embarassed Anyways, nice work. Some odd phrasing and word choice that doesn't sound entirely natural, but you spent a bit more time on Michelle's thoughts. I didn't think Viljálmar was an issue, though, considering he'd just lost a whole platoon. The kid was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Keep it up. Wink
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