HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Letters of a Corpsman: Fate and Cold Death

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:11 pm    Post subject: Letters of a Corpsman: Fate and Cold Death Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Letters of a Corpsman: Fate and Cold Death
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
23 January 2009, 5:56 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0123090556521.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
UNSC Trooper
Member


Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't seen any letter-type fics here in a while. That was pretty good, Gallagher. I love the way you expressed Michelle's feelings and the combination between a magazine/newspaper article and a personal letter sent to her husband. I've always enjoyed fiction detailing the experiences of soldiers who don't participate in combat too often; like photographers, journalists and field medics.

Hope to see more of this kind of stuff.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
kr1
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 12:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was pretty good. I liked the emotion, but you could've done a bit more with that. There's a bit too much focus on the story she's telling rather than how it's affecting her, and that's more what'd be expected from this kind of letter. The opening to the editor part seemed a bit tacked on, too, and pulled me out a bit. Overall, though, good job. Glad to see more regulars posting, even if it's something shorter like this.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great job, Gallagher (itís been a while, no?) As youíve been told by others already, this pieceís greatest strength is its emotion. Letters can be the greatest purveyors of emotion in some sense, as so brilliantly recognized by biographers such as Ken Burns and, my own personal favorite, David McCullough. You prefaced the letter with an introduction by the husband of the dead letter writer. It was a great touch, and immediately drew the reader into the emotion.

The letter itself was very well done. It was written in a casual style that came across as very natural, as one really does write a letter to a loved one. Youíve created a very human character in Michelle, very relatable. I like that she is a corpsman, and not a gung-ho marine, giving us a unique and particularly thoughtful account of the action. The dilemma over whether or not to save Thompson, when other men will die to rescue a man who might be a lost cause, was very well done, a great scene to underline the horrors and moral ambiguity of war.

At times, however, the writing style, perhaps shooting for natural, came across as clunky:

Quote:
He was quiet already, but his feet seemed not to even touch the ground, moving extremely quiet, keeping even time with the rest of his men, all of them struggling to keep up with the naturally quiet Native leading us to the wounded Marine, one Gunnery Sergeant Thompson.


Tighten up the language a little bit when you feel it getting unwieldy. For the most part, however, you did do that pretty well.

Very nice, Gallagher. This is a great example of how emotion can be used to drive a story, and how effective the epistolary style can be in delivering this emotion.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
Member


Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
Location: Always here to help

PostPosted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 12:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To Trooper: Thank you! Yeah, I'm planning to post up another letter next week, just toned down on the telling from her perspective and capitalize on the emotion a bit more.

To kr-numbers: Thanks! But I do agree with you; the story shouldn't be important. But if you think about it, this is just what she's experiencing. I can't write a story just about a few emotions. I'd bore too quickly, can't write that good.

The Dear Editor plays a good role, I think, but I'm not going to explore that much until later. Just be patient; with me, almost everything has a purpose. Very Happy

To Arthur: I was waiting for this one, and I'm very glad you like it. I was trying to grab people's emotion with it and let them see and feel Michelle in this, and I did try to humanize her, but I was kind of worried I didn't quite reach it after I submitted it. I'm very glad, however, that you think I did.

These stories are particularly hard to develop because you can't make them tell a story, but you have to focus on pure human drive. But thank you, guys!
_________________

"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
kr1
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, so this is a series? You have my attention. This read like a one-shot, and I'm definitely interested in where you're going with the editor part now. Wink
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group