HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Battlestar: Halo: Chapter 1: The Battle of Earth
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
3 December 2004, 6:46 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabid_ga.1203041846132.html

MasterSushi · Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 5:22 pm Post subject:

Good, very good!

Two things:
1.) The gaps between each paragraph seemed to change,
2.) Starbuck?

Brave of you to make a Halo 2 'ending'.

I liked it Smile

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 12:30 am Post subject:

Thanks Sushi. I can't say anything 'bout the gaps, but there was a Starbuck in the orginial, and NEW series on Sci-Fi. So I put him in there, with Apollo and Adama.
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MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I don't really follow that series. I like Stargate though. And Star Wars.... boy, a good combo with Halo and Star Wars would be good. But, if anyone takes up this idea, they had better do a wonderful job. Else I'll be on their ass like... like... like... I'll just be there to issue forth a really big comment.

I would suggest bolding yout title; or make it stand out in some way or another. Even just use a [hr] to split things up.
I think you had the right idea about using all those words, but, those things are only really good when used in the right place. Or in good descriptions. What you did was just make the text a tad harder to read. Just read things over, or have someone else read over it and tell you what they think. Just as a practical concern, many of the newer readers here may not even be able to define those.
A back-flip? Watch the areobatics.
Write out numbers and such. Instead of "360o" do "three-hundred-sixy degrees". It looks better and flows more smoothly.
Watch that dialogue. There were a couple places where I couldn't rell who was talking. Like, if it was that person, or if it could be another.
Add some more detail in there, too. The writing was kind of bland; lacking a lot of material that could have made it much better and more interesting.
Also, try developing things more thoroughly. It seemed that things were moving by too quickly; because of little explenation, for one.
Watch your transitions also. You don't want to jump around too much. That can lose the reader, make things jumpy, and just take away from flow. Keep an eye on grammar there, too. Some of it sounded off and really started taking away from the reading.

Overall, this was very decent, but it still needs a lot of improvement. You definetely need to proofread your stories more. It would eliminate most of your sundry mistakes and habitual quandries of composition and facade. Heh, hope I actually used all of those right. I'm not too good with spelling. Anyway, keep working.
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-MCC

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 7:50 pm Post subject:

Actually MCC, this is basically a huge collection of famous movies and series into one, uber fanfic.
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thedarkfire · Posted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 3:04 am Post subject:

There were more big words in the first paragraph than i have ever seen in the entire FF section. Good or bad? The jury is still out.

Brigade_of_marines · Posted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 3:30 am Post subject:

big words are good. It makes you think. It is all ways good. The better the vocab the better you are off in life. Please try to use more "big" words.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I would hate to discourage good and well used vocabulary, but, using words like that, as they were used, didn't really serve as something to make me thing. It actually cluttered the writing and made the flow not that good at all. And I am very literate. Think about the average people that are going to read this.
So, keep using good words, but only use them in the right places (like detailed descriptions and stuff like that). Also, don't use wierd sounding words. Having a good thesaurus is fine, but using words likst you did just didn't appeal.

So, keep working.
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-MCC

Chuckles · Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 4:51 am Post subject:

You have a good imagination, and are not afraid of details, and that is good. You used fairly sophisticated words throughout the story. That is not really a problem but it is tricky. Unless it is done very carefully it can seem out of place and irritating. My feeling was that it didn't fit the story very well. I'm not really a BG fan, so I can't comment intelligently on how well you combined it with Halo.

Overall, the story was a bit choppy and hard to follow. But it is obvious that you are a talented writer, and I am sure that it will smooth out. Also, I love fanfics that stand out from the rest, and this certainly does that.

C.T. Clown

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:50 am Post subject:

yea good man but you had SO many bloody discriptions example the 1st paragraph

'The attack wasn't surmised by anyone in the UNSC, nor civilian radar pick-ups. Only a unitary person knew, and he was on the last Covenant super-weapon, the Arc. John 117 ceased his transmission, then culled up his BR55. He pulled back the reloading pin and extracted out a clip of ammo, then supplanted it with a new cohesive clip of ammo. He roused the pin back into it's chamber, then ambulated over to the entry of the hallways.'

Jeez! well ne way i liked it good job ENS, mind you i like most of your stuff, congrats on good stories Very Happy

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 6:53 pm Post subject:

Really guys, you gime and Plisk WAY too much credit.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sat Dec 11, 2004 9:47 pm Post subject:

Can some1 reply back? Please? I got cookies...
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Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 12:43 am Post subject: sadf

Nice story. Nevere seen a better ending ofr halo 2. That was just great. i only saw a few of the Battle star Galactica when i was 12. and one eps from the new tv series. It was cool. Cant wait to read the next one.

When are you going to make that other one you said?
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 1:23 am Post subject:

I can multi-task, and I'm writing three stories at the same time.
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MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.