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Worth Fighting For; CH 3: Onboard

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Dec 26, 2008 5:11 pm    Post subject: Worth Fighting For; CH 3: Onboard Reply with quote

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Worth Fighting For; CH 3: Onboard
Posted by DevilsInjector (mj-power@hotmail.com)
22 December 2008, 7:37 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DevilsInject1222081937551.html
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry I took so long getting to this, DI.

I think you need to give your writing more room to breathe by establishing your setting and atmosphere a bit more thoroughly. Give the reader a feel for where your characters are and what it's like to be there. You don't need to get into every morbid detail (which would be another mistake) but more description would be nice. Getting wordy about the guy seeing a nude female doesn't really count. Another thing I noticed was that you start far too many sentences with the name of a character. Nothing wrong with starting a sentence that way, but doing it over and over hurts your flow and takes the reader out of the story. Mixing it up a bit would help.

Take it or leave it, but in my opinion this girl-tougher-than-the-guys thing has passed into cliche. I'm not against strong female characters, believe me. Azrael is doing a fine job with it in his new series and I have an extremely dangerous woman at the center of my story Court of Darkness. I guess what I'm saying is that "tough" is fine, but to avoid cliche it has to come from someplace deeper and more real than:
Quote:
she wasn't your normal everyday girl, and she didn't take anything from anyone. One Marine walked up and grabbed her ass once; she turned and punched him in the face. Knocked out a couple teeth.
All I know about this girl is that she 1.) is cute and 2.) knows how to throw a punch—and in a military fanfic, that's as cliche as it gets. I've met girls like the one in Azrael's story, and the one I've written in Court of Darkness is based on a scary woman I used to work with. But the gorgeous vixen with a boxer's skills and a centerfold's physique is the property of bad Jennifer Garner movies, the odd Bond babe and a lot of other things you probably want to avoid. Okay, you only said that she had a "natural beauty" so I guess the "centerfold" thing was a bit harsh. For now, I'll wait and see.

I'll be looking for your next chapter.

C.T. Clown
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DevilsInject
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Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 30
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada

PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2009 1:05 am    Post subject: New Mini-Series. Reply with quote

Yeah, I did say natural beauty. Almost like the actress from [u]Million Dollar Baby[u/]. Cant remember her name.

And, I'm working on the start-a-sentence-with-a-name thing, but I havent gotten to do alot of writing lately. Sad
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