HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

Shattered Skies - Chapter 6
Posted by Webbo227 (webbo128@hotmail.co.uk)
18 December 2008, 7:28 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Webbo2271218081928241.html

kr1 · Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 3:41 am Post subject:

This wasn't bad. The bits with the freelancer are interesting, and I want to see where you're going with that. But there's room for improvement here.

The one big thing that get's to me is the seeming lack of military discipline, or an understanding of the military in general. Everyone calls each other by first name, no matter the rank. And the CO, James, goes of on the AI for something that barely qualifies as insubordination, when his marine buddy last chapter flat out refused an order because he didn't like it, and the CO saved his ass and made the sergeant look like the jackass. Doesn't work that way. And squadron refers to ships or fighters, not marines. Squad and squadron aren't the same thing.

All those things seem little, but it's important to know your material. It can make or break a story.
_________________