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Not the Face! - A 'Bad Days' story

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 2:13 pm    Post subject: Not the Face! - A 'Bad Days' story Reply with quote

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Not the Face! - A 'Bad Days' story
Posted by kabu (will36@gmail.com)
18 December 2008, 6:43 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kabu1218081843001.html
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Mark25
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 20, 2008 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's light, well-rounded and introduces more characters without over-stating their obvious roles to the crew as a whole. I guess it's the style and tone that set this fiction apart. I mean, the situation wasn't remarkable by definition, but the exposition really managed to throw a glossy finish over such a lame scenario.
Good job Kabu, the seeding works well and their frequency are spot on; they're not abused but scatter-friendly. I'm glad there are no more cringeworthy drug references (morphine/methadone = silk/sandpaper, it's not a personal experience, but it is an experience and in terms of humour, addicts rarely make for light entertainment; chalk that one up to experience).

I know right now you're just moving towards a cast assembly and not a plot semblance as such, but I think you were right in one of your previous posts: this needs some allusion to a plot. While the situations are funny (no doubt), they could do with a more cohesive line to reign them all in. That's just my opinion.

May come up trumps in this week's fic pic; one never knows with Kyle.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 20, 2008 9:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, the drug references really are from personal experience - after some fairly extensive surgery, the methadone prescription came in a bit late after the oxycodone. It was living hell for a week, but looking back I can laugh about it. Actually, writing that story really helped me get over the whole experience, even though it happened more than a year ago.

I hid a few plot references into the second story I submitted, actually. You don't think ONI would be sending in some spooks just to be tourists, do you?

And I think that the situation is pretty remarkable - battlefield fiction in general (and especially fan fiction) seems to make light of gunbattles and fighting, but in reality any life-or-death encounter is extremely remarkable by definition. But yeah, the whole story really takes place in the monologue and in the previous story, the dialogue, not so much the action.

Thanks for the feedback, it's always good to know my stuff is being read. I don't think I'll have a story ready by next Friday, though.
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Mark25
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 20, 2008 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Well, the drug references really are from personal experience - after some fairly extensive surgery, the methadone prescription came in a bit late after the oxycodone. It was living hell for a week


But the thing is, that's not an addiction, is it? What you actually experienced was something to numb the pain. It wasn't like you woke up every morning in your little life and craved this substance for its euphoric properties: that's addiction; you were just in pain and agony (don't take that the wrong way, I know pain and agony aren't the friendliest of bedfellows to be having a threesome with).

Since this matter crops up several times in your comments and story paraphernalia, I know that venting these demons means a lot to you, I just don't think making light of this extreme form of addiction is necessarily funny material. Hence my omitted comments in that particular piece.

I had a serious piece planned about the Chief's suit malfunctioning during a mission (in Halo 1) and it injecting too much morphine; over a period of time he becomes addicted. Then, when he gets back to Earth; having saved just one man (non-canon), who greets a massive crowd before running to his wife and children, with the Spartan watching; the Chief goes back to his room to shoot up, Cortana finds him and they start talking about his problem.
This guy -this hero to millions- has his own demons to contend with.

You just set that back by about a year.

Quote:
Thanks for the feedback, it's always good to know my stuff is being read.


If you count the viewings and then divide it by 3*, someone has read it. Wink

*The Author usually accounts for two thirds of the equation!


Last edited by Mark25 on Sat Dec 20, 2008 9:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Topic cleaned at request.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 8:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Once again I really enjoyed this piece, not so much as the original or even the second piece but still a great read. I just love some of your descriptions, especially the description of the ODSTs and not to mention your gung ho definition.

Some small GPS issues but I'll forgive you.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 24, 2008 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm happy to say that I've now read all of your submitted work, kabu. I fell a little behind there, but catching up wasn't difficult. You have a very readible style and a sprightly sense of plot progression (minus, perhaps, the "plot" bit). That doesn't bother me in the least, I have to say. The creative writing 101 process to writing a story - rising action, climax, in that vein - need not apply, and certainly not in this format. The "vignette" style is interesting, and in keeping with the tone. So Isaac is out on patrol. Why? It doesn't matter. He was ordered to. He's just a grunt. Plot-wise, that makes him seemingly insignificant. But he is very human, and that makes him interesting.

As I feel obliged to leave some criticism, I must say the same thing as last time: at moments the style veers from caustic commentary to silly or even slapstick. Best to keep the tone consistent, and I obviously prefer the former.

Great work, though, kabu. This is a truly great read. Isaac is an interesting cat, and Rodriguez seems to be, too. His introduction was a great way to stay fresh and add a new point of persepctive. Nicely done.

As always, looking forward to more.

- Arthur
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 26, 2008 8:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved this chapter. Great pacing from start to finish, gripping story and some skillful comedy. The bits (no pun intended) about trying to retrieve Thompson's body and Isaac's recurring pyrophobia were my favorites. Good thing too, because that was pretty much the whole chapter Wink You have an easy, fluid style and, as I'm sure I've said before, a real knack for humor. The body retrieval and subsequent disintegration was a great gag. Completely or partially destroying something in the process of "saving" it is a standard comic device, but not so easy to write. To your credit, you made it look very easy. Here are some of my favorite parts:

Quote:
I limited myself to just the regulation rifle and pistol, and a slim, disposable fire extinguisher, having decided to leave my pear tree at the base. We all decked ourselves up in the latest (highly flammable) forest camo from the bin near the door and headed out into the wild.
Must be pretty scary to have pyrophobia during a war. Funny too.
Quote:
I was looking up at the moons through the leaves of an oak, trying to remember the ignition temperature for human hair
I laughed out loud several times during this chapter, and this was one of those times. Nicely done.
Quote:
I crawled over the leaf litter and tapped Thompson on the shoulder. "Corporal," I whispered nervously. "The bugs all just stopped chirping. Like, all at once. About thirty seconds ago."
"What?" He was cleaning his rifle and not really paying attention to his surroundings. He had no head for strategy at all. Which is actually pretty ironic, now that I think about it, considering what was about to happen to his cranium.
"I said we are all about to die, Corporal."
Again, nice.
Quote:
Fire in the hole! Down, down, GET DOWN!"
Gabe and I frantically kicked the fizzing balls of death down the hill towards the Grunts. Two were already dead, but the rest were firing into the trees, pinning Kendal and Charles behind a tree and a rock, respectively. The rock was holding up, the tree, not so much. This was not a good plan. We (humans) hurled ourselves to the ground as three rapid explosions ripped through the forest. Blam blam blam. Shrapnel whizzed over our heads, but Thompson's corpse caught most of it. Oops.
I saw this coming (given your brand of humor) but that didn't matter a bit. You executed the whole body-saving gag quite well, even though (as I said above) this stuff is not as easy to write as you make it look.
Quote:
Gabe and I hunkered down behind Thompson, the only cover available on the hillside. I though I could hear claws on dirt moving towards us. The next thirty seconds felt like an eternity, as did the ninety seconds after that. I took a peek over the late Corporal's arm, and immediately plasma bolts streaked towards us, thunking into the body. Again. Crap.
Once again again, nice.

A lot of other parts worth quoting, but I'll stop there. Some of the best humor I've seen on here. Nothing too fancy or daring, but definitely consistent and polished. Your pacing is darn near perfect, and I don't see much of that in fanfiction. Dang it, I'm being so complimentary that I'm going to lose respect on this board. Can't help it; I love humor.

Okay, I do have one criticism. Not even a criticism really; more of a suggestion. I like what you're doing with Isaac here, but I'd like to see you stretch your talent a bit more. These chapters are great, but not too complex and not very long. With your writing ability and apparent ear for pacing, I think you could do more than make people smile and chuckle for a few minutes. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that. Not at all. I love writing short humor myself. But don't you ever get the itch to craft something that will blow the reader away? You know, something they can't get out of their head for a while. Something that really takes them somewhere else entirely. I'm fairly certain that you have what it takes to write something like that. And if you do, I'm dead certain that I'd want to read it.

C.T. Clown
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 28, 2008 2:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuckles wrote:

Okay, I do have one criticism. Not even a criticism really; more of a suggestion. I like what you're doing with Isaac here, but I'd like to see you stretch your talent a bit more. These chapters are great, but not too complex and not very long. With your writing ability and apparent ear for pacing, I think you could do more than make people smile and chuckle for a few minutes. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that. Not at all. I love writing short humor myself. But don't you ever get the itch to craft something that will blow the reader away? You know, something they can't get out of their head for a while. Something that really takes them somewhere else entirely. I'm fairly certain that you have what it takes to write something like that. And if you do, I'm dead certain that I'd want to read it.

C.T. Clown


I'm not exactly sure what you're suggesting. Are you saying that I could write serious drama? With an actual, you know, plot? Or maybe combine the two - humor, but not light humor?

If so, I have to say that that's quite a compliment on my skill as a writer. I find comedy comes so naturally that I fear real writing might be beyond me. Never gonna know unless I try, I guess.

And yes I do get that urge, now that I think about it.
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Sev
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 30, 2008 7:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, my account is inactive for some reason, so here's a new one with a better name.

Second off, what a great story--you have a very natural way of telling a tale, the story as you present it just flows along smoothly with no bumps at all. Not to mention the humor.
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