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Yellow Grass, Red Blood: Prologue

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 2:13 pm    Post subject: Yellow Grass, Red Blood: Prologue Reply with quote

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Yellow Grass, Red Blood: Prologue
Posted by The Great Babush (moneil5@yahoo.com)
16 December 2008, 12:46 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=The_Great_Ba1216080046441.html
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 20, 2008 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The narrator/protagonist doesn't seem to have a personality, other than "angry." We have no idea who he or she is, though the last paragraph implies someone of low rank. Almost the entire story is simple exposition with very little emotion, to the point where the "fierce war cry" actually seemed a bit jarring.

Right now, the story seems more like an outline for a set piece. There are no characters at all except for the narrator and a brief mention of a driver. I guess that this is a prologue, so you can flesh this out into a real story once the main sequence starts.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 3:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This works as an intro, up until we actually see the events happening. I like the style of a narrator telling the backstory, as if in a journal entry, but after that, the first person POV doesn't jive. After all the exposition, a sudden switch to more immediate events seems off.

So, if you stick with the first person POV, try less exposition. Give us information other ways: through actions, through dialogue, through idle thoughts.

It's good to have a new writer here, though. Keep it up. Wink
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DevilsInject
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 3:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I enjoyed it. A bit short and don't forget [indent], it makes it a bit more.. easy sur les yeux (on the eyes). It lacked character emotion at parts, but some rivisions should work that out.

The POV in my opinion seemed a bit choppy at parts, and lacked the sense of realism. It sometimes seemed like you just put "we" or "I" in lieu of someones name.

Otherwise, good work.
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eIpoIIoguapo
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 6:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree about the POV. It seems in some parts like a diary, in others like he's talking. People don't generally write the same way they talk. The tenses at the beginning contributes to the confusion, too. When you say "until now" it seems like a diary/journal, but then there's not much to indicate that until later. The whole first paragraph seems almost like a timeline, too. "X happened, then Y happened. Then Z happened, etc." Try to have more complex sentences that are less blunt.

First person isn't easy, I know (my FF, after all, is in a mediocre first person). I think one of the best places you can go for some ideas as to how to format and phrase, though, is Starship Troopers by Heinlein. It's in a seamless first person, and is also one of the best scifi books ever written. I highly recommend checking it out if you haven't already.

Anyway, good start in terms of plot. You do a pretty good job of explaining what's going on and when and where, just try to make the style more engaging.
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