HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Worth Fighting For; CH 2: Enlistment
Posted by DevilsInjector (mj-power@hotmail.com)
15 December 2008, 12:11 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DevilsInject1215080011101.html

kabu · Posted: Sat Dec 20, 2008 4:17 am Post subject:

This is... wow. Really really depressing. I have to go find some pictures of frolicking kittens now.

From a storytelling point of view, this is coming along really well. My only two gripes are 1- everything moves a bit to quickly in the narrative, a little more description would be fine and 2 - Arther seems to fall for Ashley rather quickly, considering that his girlfriend just... well...

Other than that, the story really good, I'm definitely a fan. The idea of this cynical, somewhat self-hating guy putting himself in harms way to help a random person is an interesting way to show his character. It works really well.
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DevilsInject · Posted: Sat Dec 20, 2008 4:30 am Post subject:

The character is me, in everyway but looks. I never had a girl kill herself over me, but Ive had my heart torn out of my chest by one. It was kind of a symbolic meaning to me ( Merideths suicide). As for the Ashley thing.. I rebounded by sheltering myself with someone, so Arther did to. Just a whole development thing.
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Vincit qui se vincit -- He conquers who conquers himself
-this is, my last serenade

kr1 · Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 3:14 am Post subject:

A few things: this wasn't bad, but man, you gotta work on your GPS. There were some issues with you changing tenses, along with a bunch of other minor things. Have someone proofread for that stuff.

Next: be very careful writing yourself into a story. If you hadn't already done it, I'd tell you to stay the hell away from that idea. If you're not careful you can fall into all that wish fulfillment and Mary Sue crap, and that can really bring a story down. Make sure Arther has some flaws.

Now, about what you were asking in the Writing Help forum: is this the series where you want the recruits to end up special forces? Because if that's the case, you'd better take it slow. You already have things going kinda fast here, with the girlfriend suicide.

If that's the way you want to go, though, you could have them as part of a larger training unit, competing for spots in an elite infantry unit. The Israelis do something similar: depending on how well you do in training, you can make your way into the more distinguished unit.

Hope that's some help. Wink

Good work, but don't settle for good.
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DevilsInject · Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 3:22 am Post subject:

I have written myself before and Arther does have flaws, but most haven't quite surfaced yet. The hardest thing about writing ones self in a story is getting as close as possible to your personb, something I'm working on.

And I took up on the competing idea as well.
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Vincit qui se vincit -- He conquers who conquers himself
-this is, my last serenade

eIpoIIoguapo · Member Joined: 08 Sep 2008 Posts: 13

Not bad. The only thing I think hasn't been mentioned yet is that he gets over Meredith pretty fast. She's been dead a day and he's already looking forward to hitting on Ashley. He doesn't seem exactly devastated...

DevilsInject · Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject:

He's bouncing back, its normal after those types of situation.

The This might not be that bad line is referring to the fact that he already found some friends. Not that he wants to hit on Ashley.
_________________
Vincit qui se vincit -- He conquers who conquers himself
-this is, my last serenade

eIpoIIoguapo · Member Joined: 08 Sep 2008 Posts: 13

Maybe. But it seems like he's giving virtually no thought to her death. Even if someone was bouncing back (remarkably quickly) they still wouldn't be completely calm and mentally stable if they really cared for the person that died. As for Ashley, it does seem like he's hitting on her - why does he pick her out at random from the rest of the passengers? It seems like it's because she's a hot chick. You might be able to alter it without too much changing of the story, though. Maybe he was sitting silently and looking grieved, and she came over to ask what was wrong. Just a thought.

DevilsInject · Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 7:42 pm Post subject:

Oops... I accidently double posted there. Embarassed

Myy bad. And it's more or less how I wrote it at the time. Sadly I didn't put enough thought into the situation.
_________________
Vincit qui se vincit -- He conquers who conquers himself
-this is, my last serenade

Chuckles · Posted: Sun Dec 28, 2008 7:47 am Post subject:

You're skipping through this story so fast it feels like a summary. The girl killing herself should effect the reader, but how could it when we've barely met her? When things happen to your characters—good things, bad things, horrifying things, great things—they will have little or no effect on the reader if you have failed to develop those characters beforehand. More importantly for you, it lessens our enjoyment of the story because we're being shut out. Readers want to care about characters and be moved by their ups and downs, but that is impossible when we have little or no idea who they are. You've only mentioned the girl's name twice so far this series: once last chapter, and once at the end of this chapter after she was already dead. DI, poor Meredith deserved better than that. So did the readers.

And then BINGO! Arther meets Ashley (who already boasts as many name mentions as poor Meredith) and we're headed down a path we've all seen before. Please tell me I'm wrong.

This is still as thin as paper, DI. Your characters need to be more than cardboard cut-outs. Take the time to develop them. Give the reader a reason to care. Poor Meredith died for nothing, but you can save the others by giving them some width and breadth. If you're somewhat fuzzy on how to develop characters, I recommend reading some established authors. For your purposes, a book of short stories would probably give you the best insight. The October Country by Ray Bradbury would be an excellent choice. And you might want to take a look at another Bradbury classic, Something Wicked This Way Comes. The way he colors in his characters in that novel is genius.

Good luck.

C.T. Clown