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The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Leave

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 4:27 pm    Post subject: The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Leave Reply with quote
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The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Leave
Posted by QuantumSheep (quantumsheep@optusnet.com.au)
11 December 2008, 9:05 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=QuantumSheep1211080905551.html
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 7:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
I haven't read your previous entries, Quantum, but thought I'd comment on this one.

The whole discussion between Arla and Lirana was interesting, but too human for my likes, if you know what I mean. Razz They both sound too shy, which I'm sure is just part of their personalities, but Elites are generally ballsy. In my mind, they're supposed to sound a bit different - a little trace of wit or sarcasm would have spiced the discussion. That's just my opinion.

Something else also bothered me ...

Quote:
He thought maybe they should move onto a more interesting topic of conversation. He certainly didn't know too much about her, so maybe if he told her some things about him maybe she would tell him the same kind of things, except about her.


The word "maybe" gets too redundant. Watch those repetitions, they're very unpleasant.

Overall, a fairly good job. 7-8/10. Wink
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Col. Knadan
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Joined: 08 Aug 2008
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Location: UNSC In Amber Clad II Class Cruiser
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 3:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
I'm with Trooper on this, the personalities of the Elites are way too much like humans for my taste, and that's something I've noticed in all your stories. Also, whiskey? Try making some type of alcohol up and say "Arla walked into the bar and ordered _______ one of the regions drinks" that's just an idea of how you could do it.
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