HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Worth Fighting For; CH 1: Farewell

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 4:27 pm    Post subject: Worth Fighting For; CH 1: Farewell Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Worth Fighting For; CH 1: Farewell
Posted by DevilsInjector (mj-power@hotmail.com)
7 December 2008, 6:08 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DevilsInject1207081808551.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
HellBreaker
Member


Joined: 14 Nov 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Unfathomable

PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice, pritty easy to follow along. However I have to say the same thing sombody told me a week ago. Use [indent], its a lot easier on the eyes. I didnt notice any grammer problems, but i'm not the best for that Razz
One more thing though, I dont know what other people think but I try to avoid USING ALL CAPS for enfasis. Use italics or just captialize the first letter.

Overal rating by my book, 8/10
yes I know I cant spell Rolling Eyes
_________________
A world without fanfiction is a sorry world indeed
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
DevilsInject
Member


Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 30
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada

PostPosted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 12:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

dammn, i thought I could just hit the space bar and MAKE indents.. Mad Makes me grumpy.. that kind of makes it look like crap.
_________________
Vincit qui se vincit -- He conquers who conquers himself
-this is, my last serenade
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome to HBOFF.

This chapter kept hinting at going somewhere and then pulling back. Maybe something will happen at the bar. No. Maybe the altercation in the street is more than it looks like. No. Maybe the old man was yelling information the protagonist really needed to hear. For now, I'll assume no. Maybe the apartment will reveal something new about his past. No. Maybe ... maybe ... maybe ...

Why do I say this? When people read a story they are waiting for the plot to unfold, and so they keep looking for something to happen that takes them deeper and moves things along. Generally when a lot of detail/attention is given to something we are expecting some movement for the plot. A lot of times things that don't necessarily advance the story too far (like the all-too brief and easy street fight) serve as character development and that's fine. But something in the chapter has to get the engine started and the plot rolling so that your reader doesn't get bored and move on to the next story. I waited for that moment in this story ... and I'm still waiting.

Don't get me wrong. The bar, the fight, the apartment, the girlfriend—they all help to give background and tell us who this guy is and what sort of world he inhabits. But they can not stand alone. In any/every story there has to be some intrigue or you will not keep the reader long enough to get to chapter two. There are a thousand fanfics out there: what reasons did you give for readers to come back to yours? You haven't even hinted at anything compelling in the plot beyond this guy joining the UNSC and that it will upset his girlfriend. Problem is, we don't know him very well yet and we know even less about his girlfriend, so it is impossible to care too much about how they feel either way.

Bottom line: the first chapter should—at the very least—hint at the greater things to come. You can do this by giving us reasons to care about the main character. Get the reader invested in his future. Why should I care about him? Failing that, you could at least hint that there are as yet unrevealed reasons to care. Give the reader a reason to come back. If they weren't hooked by chapter one, they will not read chapter two. Maybe you just ended the chapter too soon, but chapter one has to take us somewhere.

Okay. Rant over. Moving on.

I like the imagination you put into this world. You show some real talent for envisioning this imagined future. That was the strength in this chapter. You made what could have felt like a sterile futuristic world as dirty, common and used as the one we live in now. I think it would have served you well to take this world you're creating and spend a little more time unfolding your characters. That's what these worlds are for. They're part of the story and the stage on which we paint our story. I'd have liked to get to know that girl and care about her before she got that bad news. What were her hopes and dreams? What were her expectations of your protagonist? What is her life like? Something to think about for chapter two.

In the end, this chapter shows that you are indeed talented, but it feels thin and incomplete. You need to get your plot pointing somewhere by the end of the first chapter. That doesn't mean that we'll know where you're going, but the reader needs to at least be enjoying the ride. Hope this helps, and contrary to what I've written above, I will be looking for chapter two.

C.T. Clown


Last edited by Chuckles on Mon Dec 15, 2008 5:27 pm; edited 2 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
DevilsInject
Member


Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 30
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada

PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 11:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree somewhat here. But Damn near everything that happened, concludes in a later chapter(s). Except for the apartment bit. That was more or less for me to end a scene, but I rather like the apartment scene. I find it releases a few key character points, the "standing out from soceity" hair dye. The hatred of UNSC propoganda.

I try to make my stories detailed, but not to the point where it is to boring to read. I hate that. It makes me alone close a book.

I appreciate your critique, but I have to say; "Be Patient." It'll all fold in sooner or later.

PS: Further development of the Girlfriend, will be in chapters, a little down the road. I enjoy writing where there will be a intense, or "cliff-hanger" scene, but before it concludes, drops you back to his Civilian life. Explaining a key point in his life that might pertain or relate to the situation in his UNSC life.
_________________
Vincit qui se vincit -- He conquers who conquers himself
-this is, my last serenade
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 5:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I appreciate your critique, but I have to say; "Be Patient." It'll all fold in sooner or later.

I never said you didn't have a plot in mind. My point is that most readers are not "patient" so you have to hook them right away. People like Tom Clancy or J.K. Rowling can can get by with a few slow chapters at the beginning of their stories because they have a dedicated and loyal fan base. As an unknown fanfiction author, however, if you don't have the reader hooked by the second paragraph, they're most likely gone. And it is much more difficult to pick up readers as the chapters progress. That makes the first chapter the most important in your story. If that chapter doesn't pique the reader's interest, hardly anyone will go on to chapter 2—even if the rest of the story is wonderful. You can't wait for "sooner or later," you have to get things moving from the very start.

Thanks for taking my comment seriously, and good luck. As I said, I'll be looking for chapter 2.

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group