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The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Arrival

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 2:45 pm    Post subject: The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Arrival Reply with quote

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The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Arrival
Posted by QuantumSheep (quantumsheep@optusnet.com.au)
5 December 2008, 2:08 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=QuantumSheep1205080208381.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was okay, but there were some things that I took extreme issue with.

The first being your CM23. The whole idea is absurd. First, you say it's a pistol. Alright. Bulkier than an M6D, though? An M6D is fucking huge already, and not standard size for any pistol. It's a .50 handgun. But that could be shoved aside. But then you say it has three barrels? A little ridiculous, but whatever. Three rotating barrels? Seriously, what? And underneath this whole setup is a shotgun with a revolver-style shotgun? You couldn't fit the three barrels on a pistol, much less the shotgun, even ignoring the complete lack of sense the whol setup makes. Please, no more gun porn. This is just completely ridiculous.

On a less serious note, the dialogue regarding the Spartans was very forced. Not to mention, a liutenant and a corporal shouldn't know that much about Spartans after they'd just been activated. Even if the general did tell them, he shouldn't know that much, especially about Watts. These are extremely classified soldiers.

Those are the only big issues. The rest of this was alright, but you need to work on the gun porn thing, at the very least.
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