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Attack on Installation 06, part 15

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:56 pm    Post subject: Attack on Installation 06, part 15 Reply with quote

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Attack on Installation 06, part 15
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
13 November 2008, 11:09 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer1113082309561.html
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa, way too short. Then again, I can't really complain, it's probably the same length as my latest Amethyst submission.

Big props for properly handling a space battle. Too many writers think that if they do one, it's the sole focus, and they ignore the characters. That's even worse than an all-action piece, because you don't even have the benefit of a character to follow. Anyways, first space battle I've ssen in a while besides Ster's stuff that shows as much of the characters as the fight. I also liked Stacker's reflections about Johnson: what he would do, and how they're not the same. Good stuff.

Couple of negatives. For the most part you did well with Elite voices, but 'Taham just sounded off. The bit about Salko being unconcious seemed odd, too. I don't remember exactly, but I was under the impression the Chief shot him last chapter.

So, overall good work, if a bit short. Glad to see you back with this series, too.
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 9:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, sorry about the length, it's the best I can do with school. So far as Salko goes, you'll noticed I used the word "unconscious" to describe him. I guess the Chief just clipped him or something.

Thanks for the compliments on the space battle, by the way. Watching BSG has been helping me out in that regard.

Regarding 'Taham, how exactly would you have me fix that issue? I patterned his vocal mannerisms of off Half-Jaw's, and no one's given me any negative feedback on him.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 3:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I understand about the length, it's not a big complaint. I've got the same issue.

With 'Taham it was mostly two specific lines that stood out as sounding out-of-place:

Quote:
I believe the response you humans look for is, 'solid copy.' Consider it said.


This just rubbed me the wrong way. It's not necessarily un-Elite, it just sounded far too stereotypical alien.

Quote:
We'll be standing by in case you need reinforcements. Which you probably will.


Two things that stuck out with this. Elites rarely use contractions, first. Second, the line itself seems a little childish. It has the pride an Elite might feel, but not the dignity. But it's a minor complaint, and may have been intended as part of 'Taham's character. Now that I think about it, I'd like it if it was.

But I remember 'Taham from other chapters and didn't think anything was off before. Just those two lines stood out, and it's no real biggie. Wink

Edit:
Quote:
So far as Salko goes, you'll noticed I used the word "unconscious" to describe him. I guess the Chief just clipped him or something.


I got that he was unconcious, it just seems a little unbelievable that a soldier like the Chief would just clip him. Be careful using this, too. Twice in two weeks. Any more and it's definitely gonna start to stretch believability.
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 2:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kr-1426 wrote:

Quote:
So far as Salko goes, you'll noticed I used the word "unconscious" to describe him. I guess the Chief just clipped him or something.


I got that he was unconcious, it just seems a little unbelievable that a soldier like the Chief would just clip him. Be careful using this, too. Twice in two weeks. Any more and it's definitely gonna start to stretch believability.

Who said that he was going to regain consciousness? Shocked
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Col. Knadan
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 19, 2008 5:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jake's right, maybe the guy goes into a coma.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 19, 2008 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's not my point. My point was in the past two weeks he's used someone getting shot and seemingly dying, but not actually die, in two separate stories, and I was just pointing out to him. It feels like a bit of a cop-out, but if you use it sparingly it's not a problem.

Remember, two times is a coincidence. Three is a trend. Don't let it be a trend. Wink
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 19, 2008 8:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Death is an effective device, not-quite-death can be a cop-out. Don't be afraid to off some fools, Jake!
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 19, 2008 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry, the good platoon sergeant will meet his end soon enough, along with some other people as well...

Oh, and in case you hadn't noticed, Reynolds hasn't been too lucky with his platoon sergeants: he's lost two on the same mission! Razz
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Col. Knadan
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2008 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Jake, I don't mean to seem rude, but are you one of our troops overseas?
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2008 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nope. I am going to be pursuing a career in the Army or Marines, though. As an officer or enlisted man remains to be seen. Smile
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