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Long Time Gone Part Three: Incommunicado

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 1:57 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part Three: Incommunicado Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part Three: Incommunicado
Posted by fallschirmjager (grylsy@hotmail.com)
7 November 2008, 10:36 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=fallschirmja1107081036311.html
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 3:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"They knew we were coming?" Alison breathed to herself before turning back to face Chambers, "that means..."


How do you breathe in words? I had this mental picture of Alison sucking down a word bubble, like in a comic, then spitting it out. Also, the question mark after 'coming' pretty much destroys any hope of implying smooth transition to just who or what breathed in or out . A question mark, like a period, to me at least denotes an end to that particular sentence.

As for the ellipses after 'that means,' that's a personal peeve of mine and personally, I think it belongs (and works) in comics, graphic novels, and video games--but not stories.

Quote:
"We'll have to contact command then," said Alison turning to go back to the squad but Chambers held her back by the shoulder.


Commas?

Quote:
"I think it's best we keep this between ourselves, don't you?" Chambers looked at Alison, "it could cause a panic."


How about changing that comma after 'Alison' to a period? You make it sound like Chambers subconsciously transmitted his message to Alison with eye contact alone.
Quote:
Alison turning to go back to the squad but Chambers held her back by the shoulder.

Quote:
"We'll need to tell Bernard," said Alison as Chambers lowered his arm.

Quote:
"Command must have a mole in its ranks," said Chambers finishing her sentence with a solemn nod.

Quote:
Chambers raised a finger in thought,


I suppose it's different for every writer, but you write like you were writing a script for a visual medium--there's no need to describe every movement that the characters make, since in a conversation that is meant to be quick and terse like this, such descriptions just bogs it down.

Quote:
"That's true," said Chambers now leading the way back to the clearing.


Okay, fine, so Chambers is leading the way back to the clearing--

Quote:
"Agreed," said Chambers leading the way back to where the rest of the squad had spread around the edge of the clearing


Rather repetitive, you already wrote that Chambers is leading the way back like thirty words before.

The story just feels awkward. Let me mention it again--it's like someone's writing a play-by-play account of a movie. Very clunky, and I couldn't get past the first paragraph. Eliminate excessive descriptions, in my opinion, and you may have something enjoyable.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 6:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for being honest Severian.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything for anyone to actually read and I value all input regardless of whether you like the story or not.

I guess the endless details have stemmed from me trying to get the reader accustomed to the characters sooner.

So you'd notice a change in their body language by yourself rather than just narrating, "oh hey, Alison is acting really depressed now, she was described as upbeat at the start of the story."

But I see where you're coming from that some of the details are too much and I will try to fix it for the next part.

If I could ask you so, please go past the first paragraph. The parts on which I worked hardest aren't until further on and I'd like some feedback on the characters themselves. Do they seem believable?

On another note, I'll be putting this series on hold. I've only completed up to the start of the fifth chapter with the rest of the series planned out but I wish to move onto a different story and different characters for a while.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 7:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry if I sounded sharp or blunt--that wasn't my intention. I'll post a more detailed review once I have the time to finish reading.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a good story, and it might have made it farther up the rankings for YDiW, except for one thing: punctuation and grammar. Especially in regards to quotations.

Wrong:
"Sure it's not a problem on our end?" Asked Alison.
Right:
"Sure it's not a problem on our end?" asked Alison.

Wrong:
"They knew we were coming?" Alison breathed to herself before turning back to face Chambers, "that means..."
Right:
"They knew we were coming?" Alison breathed to herself before turning back to face Chambers, "That means..."
(also, in this case the comma after Chambers might have been better off as a period, but it isn't actually wrong, so stet)

Wrong:
"We don't need to tell him if he can't get onto command, Mike," said Alison turning and facing Chambers, "the less people that know, the less chance of any pillow talk."
Right:
"We don't need to tell him if he can't get onto command, Mike," said Alison turning and facing Chambers, "The fewer people that know, the less chance of any pillow talk."

It's all very minor, but it breaks the flow when there are capitalizations and such where they aren't needed. Think of it this way: when you do dialogue, you have a sentenced inside a sentence. Both sentences must follow all the rules of grammar for that sentence, irregardless of the other sentence. That means you punctuate and capitalize the dialogue and narration where you would if they weren't broken up. Then you add in the punctuation that keeps them separate.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 6:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Right:
"They knew we were coming?" Alison breathed to herself before turning back to face Chambers, "That means..."
(also, in this case the comma after Chambers might have been better off as a period, but it isn't actually wrong, so stet)


Not to hijack this thread, but you have to use a period in that instance. It's a new sentence.

I'll try and actually review this story shortly.

- Arthur
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 2:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cheers guys.

And please keep it coming I want to improve.
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