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The Loss of Fire Team Zulu

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 1:56 pm    Post subject: The Loss of Fire Team Zulu Reply with quote

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The Loss of Fire Team Zulu
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
5 November 2008, 8:24 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer1105082024221.html
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jeez, I can't believe I made that bad of a continuity error towards the end. Hopefully it doesn't detract too much from the story.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 4:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You get points for an interesting story idea here, Jake, and I really enjoyed the idea behind it (I was a little disappointed because I tricked myself into thinking you meant their survival of Alpha Halo, but oh well, that's my own fault). A lot of this seemed...rushed, though. The attack on Charlie happened too fast, and I didn't see too much emotion here, either.

It started off strong, I though, with Stacker's thoughts about the swamps. That was good. There was a bit of a snag when you got to Stacker's thoughs about Johnson. You've always portrayed him as a friend of Stacker's, but that didn't quite come across here. If anything, he seems to dislike him. And like I mentioned before, there was that squad/fireteam thing: fireteams are part of squads are part of platoons. I could be mistaken, but that's the only way I've ever seen it.

In the next part, when they recieve the two transmissions, Dubbo seems to be the only one who shows any emotion. You point out their faces were a study of horror, but it doesn't really come across. It seems to disappear moments later, too, as soon as Stacker gives the order to go to the extraction point. No one seems to give Charlie Team a second thought save Dubbo.

No real complaint about the next bit, but you mention the copilot gets clipped by Diggs, then don't mention him. Do they try to bring him with them? Or just leave him?

Section after that just had a little slip-up. You mention the lift descending when it clearly was ascending. Watch out for the little things. Wink

Ah, so you do bring the copilot back. It seems odd they'd just leave him if he were unconcious, though. Making it less clear that's what happened would have made the whole thing make more sense.

So, overall, you had an alright piece here. Good concept, but it could've used more work, especially conveying the emotions of the characters. Dubbo and Diggs are the only two that come across as remotely emotional, with everyone else not really seeming to particularly care about Charlie Team, or the other marines dying around them, or the fact that these things they're fighting were once marines, too. The Flood should be unspeakably horrifying, but only once did it seem they were genuinely afraid, and that was before they were even attacked.

So definitely work on the emotion next time. Whenever you write the Flood, that's a must. And if I'm seeming especially critical, it's because I generally like your stuff, and because this was short enough I could go over it with a fine-toothed comb. I'm not trying to tear you apart. Wink
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 4:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry, KR, this piece is going to end my flirtation with non-AoI06 stories. Next submission, it's back to the good stuff. Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 5:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad to hear it. Very Happy Keep in mind what I said about the Flood if you end up using them, though.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why Stacker isn't the focus of more fan fiction I'll never know. He's involved in every Halo game and plays a role in the action, but he has no bearing on the story and he's pretty much a blank slate.

I thought you did well here. It's always nice to get a submission like this that elaborates on missions we've played through and enjoyed. We get to use our imaginations, but fundamentally we know what you're talking about and it's not hard to picture it. Jilly's been doing that, but rather using the game to enrich her own fiction, which is harder to do but really enjoyable to read.

You used your fiction to enrich the level, which is easy to get lazy with and just assume we know things, but you don't do that. I was impressed with the level of detail and the quality of the dialouge and emotion. Action was easy to follow and vivid. Solid stuff. Liked it a lot.
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azrael wrote:
Why Stacker isn't the focus of more fan fiction I'll never know. He's involved in every Halo game and plays a role in the action, but he has no bearing on the story and he's pretty much a blank slate.

Agreed. That's why I love using him as a POV character in my fic.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, Az brings up another point I forgot to mention: you've very solidly made Stacker your own character, the same way the Arbiter is Jilly's and Maria is J.D.'s. Might be just because you're pretty much the only writer here who makes consistent use of him, or that you do such a damn good job with him.

Also, you mentioned in your first post a continuity slipup? I didn't notice, and I've usually got a good idea for those. So it definitely didn't detract. Razz
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 11:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The slippup was relatively minor; I mis-wrote the setting where Victor 933 crashes, along with the co-pilot's demise. I had intended that radio transmitter I mentioned to be the source of that creepy distress signal you hear in the beginning of 343 Guilty Spark (which he obviously can't be; otherwise the chief would have found him). I was self-satisfied that I submitted the piece without doing any fact-checking by playing the level, turned on my copy of Halo for the PC, played the level 343 Guilty Spark, and promptly slapped myself upside the head for my carelessness. Razz
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kr1
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh. I remembering thinking of the distress call when reading, but it didn't occur to me the copilot messed that up. Jonesy was asleep for a while, though, so it's no biggie. Could just be a recording the pilot made and set playing before Zulu picked him up.
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