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Widowmaker: The Defense of Earth Part Two: Revelation

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 2:38 pm    Post subject: Widowmaker: The Defense of Earth Part Two: Revelation Reply with quote

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Widowmaker: The Defense of Earth Part Two: Revelation
Posted by LordofDestruction (scytheofdeath2001@yahoo.com)
1 December 2004, 11:41 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=lordofdestru.1201042341092.html
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thorn
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 12:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was aswome....
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 2:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would suggest bolding your date/time stamp. Yet another use of the Code.
Avoid repedetive terms. Like, when referring to officers on your ship's bridge, don't only call them by their name/rank, use their postion in the crew as well.
Don't abbreviate stuff like "kilometer". Spell out numbers, too.
Also, watch your transitions there. Things were a bit jerky, as you just jumped from one place (or rather time) to another. Try to smooth that kind of thing out.
An Admiral would never tell people to simply disregard the Cole Protocol. It just wouldn't happen. That is treason you know.
Watch your punctuation and such. Make sure to keep things clean and looking good.
People in those types of situations (that are professional people) are not going to admit they will die and basically say "Well, it was good knowing you."

Work on the realism and detail level of your space battles. You were forced into making things real explanitory like (instead of descritpive) because of the amount of ships you decided to include.
Also, the damage done by your weapons, and some other actions like the nukes, didn't make much sense when I thought over them. Keep things real.

Overall, things went by too fast 'cause you were just spread too thin. Work on focusing your narrative while still leaving your descriptions open to encompass the other ships in your story. But don't try to describe it all at once, it is way too hard. Keep working.
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 2:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Adding this to MCC's comment, remember not to push yourself beyond your capabilities during a Fick. Writers who do that end their careers abruptly.

- Dave.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 6:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, this guy is from the old age! Seriously!

In fact, I think this is one of the best fanfics I read in a while
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LordofDestruction
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 6:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the rave reviews. Its taken a while to get this one posted. As for the admiral ordering the cole protocol to be disregarded, if they are attacking earth, it doesn't matter anymore. It basically means all ships are to jump straight to earth instead of making the required blind jump, thus to allow them to get to earth quicker.
I will try to improve descriptiveness, and try to expand it some more.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That is just a great example of how you need to explain stuff. if we wonder about something, chances are that you need to add something in your story to explain it. I would suggest letting a friend proofread it, then fix what they notice. Good luck.
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just as an example, I re-read my stories a lot.
My last story that I posted took over a month to get out. Part of it was that I didn't start writing for a week or so, but after that I was working hard. I had 4+ friends read through it and had them give me their individual opinions, which each helped me in a different way.
So yeah proofreading I think is very important. I made like four different drafts and found mistakes or things to change around every single time. I could have proofread it more, but, I decided to go ahead ad post and live with the results.
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