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Infestation Chapter 2: Emergence

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 1:05 pm    Post subject: Infestation Chapter 2: Emergence Reply with quote

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Infestation Chapter 2: Emergence
Posted by Spencer Gregoire (spencergregoire@sbcglobal.net)
31 October 2008, 2:30 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Spencer_Greg1031080230201.html
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Col. Knadan
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa. This, is sweet. There are some spelling mistakes but that part is okay. However, do you know how far a meter is? In case you don't it's a little over three feet. So it would make more sense if the Sargent threw it about two to three meters.
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baneofdeath
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 6:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

in the story the creature held him an inch from death, davis was too weak to throw him more then a few meters. Thanks for the comments
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You really need to read it a lot more before you post it. Read it aloud if that helps. The spelling and grammar issues really detract from an otherwise enjoyable read.

Don't forget to break up paragraphs either.

And slow down.

I know you're in a hurry in trying to sweep the reader away into your world of carnage and mayhem but when you start describing things at pace, you really lose your sense of immersion.

It's as if you can't wait to get to the next bit of action but when you get there, it goes by just as quickly and really leaves the reader at a loss of what's going on. Try padding it out with more details.

Continuing, when characters speak to themselves, find a way to distinguish it from the rest of the paragraph. Whether by starting a new line or simply adding the line, "he thought."

Example.

Quote:
They were faster then normal humans, and thus, could easily surround the fleeing citizens. I didn't sign up for this shit. Davis was not about to stand by while they were surrounded and slaughtered like all the rest.


More like this [my own edits to the text included]:

Quote:
The creatures were a lot faster then a normal person and they had little trouble chasing down the fleeing civilians.

I didn't sign up for this shit!

However Davis was not about to stand idly by and let his men be surrounded and slaughtered like all the rest.


Oh and:

[indent]!
[indent]!
[indent]!
[indent]!
[indent]!
[indent]!
[indent]!
[indent]!
[indent]!
[indent]!

Cheers.
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