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The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Carson

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 1:05 pm    Post subject: The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Carson Reply with quote

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The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Carson
Posted by QuantumSheep (quantumsheep@optusnet.com.au)
31 October 2008, 5:34 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=QuantumSheep1031080534541.html
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Col. Knadan
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dude, you seriously need to lower the gore content. Two, are the "UN Marines" supposed to be Spartans? If so, you messed it up, I can see them being ODST's but, to my knowledge there are no Spartans named Leon. Third, I'm pretty sure only two female Spartans survived the augmentations, Kelly and Linda. Finally, there were some spelling mistakes, but that's minor. Bye.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Um, we're shown about half of the post-augmentation Spartans. There's plenty of room for a few original character Spartans. There's at least five females, too: there's Adrianna, Grace, and Maria. Probably more, too. There was a problem with the Spartans, though, and that was that they died. Only three were actual KIAs before Reach. Kurt, who turned out to be alive, Sheila, who Halsey saw die (this obviously isn't the case), and one more unnamed Spartan. So a little continuity mess there.

The problem I had with this was the standoff, though. The cops and Spartans both seemed very unprofessional, and I didn't buy their reactions. If they had a sniper in place, that's all they'd need to take the guy down. And Spartans wouldn't be used to arrest someone, just take them out.

The gore I didn't think was a huge problem either. This was a little bloodier than most, but not unbearable, or terribly unrealistic. The one issue there was with the guy who got shot in the head. The mess would be from the exit wound, not the entrance wound.

One last nitpick: a pistol with a stock and scope that can take out a sniper? Come one. That's beyond unbelievable. Even the M6D couldn't pull that in CE.

Overall, though, this is a decent piece. A little confusing because I haven't read the backstory, but there's enough explanation to get the gist of it.
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eIpoIIoguapo
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 11:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right, I've got some time so I'll go through this as extensively as I can. Just try to extend what I and others say to other work, as I doubt it's customary for people to do line-by-line proofreading here.
Quote:
The Asian themed interior, with pinkish-red walls, ornate light fixtures hung from the ceiling and armed guards stood at all the possible entrance/exit points, which included five doors and two windows at the front.

This paragraph is pretty disjointed. The Asian themed interior what? It's just floating there - you need a verb. Consider "the interior had an asian theme..." Also, you need to either say "...pinkish-red walls, and ornate light fixtures that hung..." or separate them into two sentences - "with pinkish-red walls. Ornate light fixtures..." The whole paragraph is one sentence, too. Split it up. Another place would be here: "...hung from the ceiling. Armed guards..." just in general, avoid doing one-sentence paragraphs unless they're dialogue, or sometimes for dramatic effect.
Quote:
To his right was Lieutenant-Colonel Walter E. Horace and his two business associates sat at the other half of the circular table.

Either make it two sentences - "...LC Walter E Horace. His two business associates..." or add a "who" after "associates."
Quote:
the guards out the front were suddenly tumbled to the ground in turn, almost silently

Leave out the "were." It doesn't work, and even if it did, passive voice is something to avoid.
Quote:
out the bank

Methinks you mean "back."
Quote:
This didn't particular

You need an adverb, not an adjective - "particularly."
Quote:
"You're under arrest for being a threat to the security of the United Nations,"

Assuming the UNSC has a similar judicial system to ours, "being a threat" wouldn't be a crime. I would substitute treason, conspiracy, and/or other similar charges here.
Quote:
One of the police officers was filled with full metal jacket rounds in seconds

Two things. First, passive voice "rounds filled," not "was filled with rounds." Second, and this is just personal preference, I don't think mentioning that the rounds are full metal jacket adds much, so consider just dropping that bit.
The entire paragraph that that quote is from is pretty disjointed. Take a close look at your use of commas, in particular.
Quote:
sounding both angry and emotional

Are the "UN soldiers" S-II's? Because while an S-II might become angry and emotional on rare occasions, I very much doubt that they would ever betray it in their voice.
Quote:
having been annoyed more at the UN soldiers than at the rebels

"Annoyed" seems a little mild. These are people in a large firefight whose comrades are being killed. Something along the lines of "rage" seems a little more accurate...
Quote:
"I have my ways," Hanley replied, "especially since the lawyer looked nervous, as if he was in some serious trouble."

This is again personal preference, but in my opinion if Hanley's going to get all smug and superior, he'd better have a sneakier reason than "he looked nervous."
Quote:
The last shot having missed and put a hole in a barrel of fuel, which was leaking close by but otherwise no threat to their safety.

Your tense is inconsistent here - I think you want "The last shot had missed..."
Quote:
artefacts
SP - it's "artifacts." You do it more than once, too, so change all of them.
Quote:
our work here would have been for nothing

This should not past conditional. "will have been"
Quote:
The whirring sound the toilets made when they powered up to incinerate what was inside

That. Is. Nasty. Nobody incinerates human waste, that means in ten seconds you'll be breathing the stuff. You should probably just make them flush... Find another way to torture the Lt.
Quote:
finding where they're hidden

"They're" is "they are," so it only works for present tense. You need "they were."

Some overall things: your use of commas - a lot should be added/omitted or is many cases changed to semicolons. Also, in many places the writing jsut sounds awkward. Not grammatically incorrect per se, but just as if it hasn't been looked at very carefully. I'm awful at proofreading my own stuff, so I'm not really one to talk, but you should try to be as conscientious and careful as you possibly can when proofreading and rewriting. Don't be afraid to make major changes.
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QuantumSheep
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just a few things in response to all this:

The Spartans arrested Colonel Watts, didn't they? Or did I dream that bit up while I was reading The Fall of Reach? In the case of my story, they preferred Hanley alive, not dead. A dead man can't talk.

Has anyone here seen For a Few Dollars More? Lee Van Cleef's character in that sort of inspired me to create the Colonel Hanley character. Hence the pistol skillz. Hence the reason he's customized all his gear.

I don't like to write overly realistic stories. You see, I've seen a few too many action movies (such as a few John Woo ones) and over the top action is what I like to see (and write). Such as in the last Rambo movie (if you've seen it). I write the action "gory" BECAUSE I CAN. Call me sick, but I enjoy writing it that way.

About my writing: if it's readable, it's fine with me. Just as long as there aren't any big mistakes.

Oh yeah: "Out the bank" was supposed to be "out the back." My mistake.

Good to see people actually read it, though.
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eIpoIIoguapo
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
About my writing: if it's readable, it's fine with me. Just as long as there aren't any big mistakes.


That's all well and good, but I don't think people are going to put much effort into reading and giving feedback on your writing if the bar you set for yourself is "readable." In my opinion, with writing you get out what you put in, and you're more likely to find satisfaction with your writing if you strive to make it the best it possibly can be.
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QuantumSheep
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 5:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I put in lots of time in my writing, I just find it quite tedious to proofread.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 5:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Most do, and even if you do proofread thoroughly, you're probably going to miss something. We've got a good community here, though. Most of the regulars at one point or another have done the favor of proofreading my own work. Just ask, and offer to return the favor. Wink
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Col. Knadan
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

He Quantum, two things, I don't know if you have it but my advice is before you put your story into the submission box put in Microsoft Office Word or something with a grammar/spelling check and use that first to make sure you got stuff like this right. Two I know it wasn't in this story but just in general if you could cut sex scenes from your story's I would appreciate it.

By the way Quantum was right about the SPARTANS capturing Watts, and who the heck is quote "Adrianna" unquote?
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 2:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Adrianna is one of the new Gray Team Spartans from The Cole Protocol. And while Sheep was right about the Spartans capturing Watts, it was by no means an arrest as he portrayed this here. They went in, shot the place up, and left. And if things started looking rought and the mission looked like it was going to fail, I don't doubt they would've wasted him first chance.

Edit: And in Sheep's defense, I don't see anything wrong with a sex scene. As long as it's no porno. Because, hey, people have sex.
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Col. Knadan
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, thank you for clearing up that Adrianna business. I still think he should drop the sex scenes though.
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