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Early Morning Walk - Bad Days, Chapter 2

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 1:55 pm    Post subject: Early Morning Walk - Bad Days, Chapter 2 Reply with quote

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Early Morning Walk - Bad Days, Chapter 2
Posted by kabu (will36@gmail.com)
20 October 2008, 6:01 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kabu1020081801401.html
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Mark25
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another equally humorous piece that does you proud, mate. Especially the quality way you ended it there.

On a by-note, check this guy's fiction out, you should find it right up your street. His is a little zanier than yours but something to take inspiration from, most definitely. Sadly, the guy never finished it and he's pissed off to either greener climes or fresher pastures... shame, he just never finished it.

Edit: Try the link now, the Author is LegendaryMark if you want to search via name.


Last edited by Mark25 on Sat Oct 25, 2008 4:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 9:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Er... broken link?

Thanks for the support, though. I just have to keep thinking of miserable situations to stuff Isaac into, the stories just write themselves.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HAHAHA.

Oh man, that's brilliant. I know I never commented on "Not So Fireproof" the other week but I loved it and I love this too.

I can't really pick anything wrong with. The style of story telling and the characters are top notch. I loved the descriptions. Ah.

And the ending? Awesome.

Can't wait for more.
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Keep up the good work, Kabu. Great stuff.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another great entry, Kabu. I hope we've just found another talented regular.

This was great for all the same reasons as the first: a creative, clever use of language, an off-beat narrator, and an interesting characterization of the protagonist. One gets an intimate look at Isaac, yet still doesn't really know him. It's almost like its third person omniscient told through first person... very interesting.

However, I'm not sure I was as big a fan of this as the first. I'll admit, I thought Not So Fireproof was a one off, and I wonder if maybe it would have been better that way. In any event, the biggest detraction here was a slight decline in the sharp language seen in the first iteration. The syntax occasionally got a little loopy, for instance:

Quote:
An astounding amount of paperwork passed in a very short time. Apparently, when a platoon gets completely wiped out the UNSC brass like it just fine that way. A few letters to grieving families, recovery of any salvageable expensive equipment (you'd be amazed at how much of a soldier's gear has been died in a time or three), a funeral or two if there's anything left (unlikely) and that's that.


While it seemed somewhat intentional - certainly in the last sentence there - I'm not sure it produced the desired effect. At least not for me. When employing a colorful, eccentric writing style, make sure you carefully read it over and ensure that it sounds good. If not, find another way.

All that said, this was still an outstanding piece that was full of great lines. As with the previous chapter, you ended off strong, and got us wanting more. Keep it up.

- Arthur
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Last edited by Arthur Wellesley on Mon Oct 27, 2008 1:20 am; edited 1 time in total
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 1:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Double Post. Sorry.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 1:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Loved the ending. Did not see it coming. Wink

You have a very colorful use of language. It isn't very sophisticated; but then, it doesn't need to be. You've got a lot of wit packed into a very small package.

I would prefer that package be a bit larger next next time (hint, hint).

But it's a light-hearted piece, something you don't see around here extremely often, similar to my "Billy Was a Soldier" piece I did a while back. Except mine was more depressing. I'm good at writing depressing things. Wink

Anyway, keep up the good work, and don't forget to submit something for the You're Doing it Write! charity drive!
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The 14th Wonder
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 6:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another good piece.

The writing seemed a bit more flesched out than the first and that's good. I can't quite put my finger on how it did and how to further improve it but it was better. Your closing in on perfecting your simplicstic style. Maybe within the next four stories you will have Smile

Liked the little social/war comment in this bit:

Quote:
A half dozen centuries ago, people would be shot for "cowardice." Five centuries ago they finally realized what post-traumatic stress was. Now they just tell you to stay away from open flames if they scare you that much, you wuss, now take your rifle and put down the fire extinguisher. Such are the sacrifices we make for war.


The stain bit added a little horror value which seemed to fit. I got the sense that Isaac was actually getting a bit stressed out, that his predicament worried him. But as he got into it, he remembered how he deals with this crap. Subtle and well-done.

And the ending was BEAUTIFUL. Totally unexpected, really funny: a great punchline. In any other context it would've been immature but it definitely worked.

I'm out for tonight but I'll be reading more.
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