HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Shattered Skies - Chapter 2

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 1:55 pm    Post subject: Shattered Skies - Chapter 2 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Shattered Skies - Chapter 2
Posted by Webbo227 (webbo128@hotmail.co.uk)
19 October 2008, 10:30 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Webbo2271019081030321.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
fallschirmjager
Member


Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey this was pretty good.

I really loved some of your descriptions:

Quote:
A polished combat knife that, once the battle was over, would have to be cleaned again.


And this is almost beautiful:

Quote:
The rocket blossomed into a deadly inferno, with the shrapnel its jagged petals.


The imagery you used to describe the jungle to the reader was also well done and I commend you greatly.
However there were some issues I had with your story. Namely, the formatting or lack thereof. Your main bodies of text really need to be broken up. It's excellent that you're starting a new paragraph each time a character speaks but you need to break the rest of the story up also.

With further proofreading you could fix up a few more issues and don't forget to [indent] your paragraphs also.

Finally a pet peeve of mine, clips. I'll direct you to Dave's thread regarding the issue here for further details.

Another thing, two magazines and two fragmentation grenades is hardly a combat load. I would have expected at least six to eight magazines if not upwards of ten and at least four fragmentation grenades.

Regardless a very fine read, nice ending also.
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Webbo227
Member


Joined: 26 Oct 2008
Posts: 3
Location: You can delete this profile.

PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 1:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for your time, all the points made have been taken into account so that for chapter 3 (Delayed) will meet a higher standard.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group