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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.
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 Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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Hey this was pretty good.
I really loved some of your descriptions:
| Quote: | | A polished combat knife that, once the battle was over, would have to be cleaned again. |
And this is almost beautiful:
| Quote: | | The rocket blossomed into a deadly inferno, with the shrapnel its jagged petals. |
The imagery you used to describe the jungle to the reader was also well done and I commend you greatly.
However there were some issues I had with your story. Namely, the formatting or lack thereof. Your main bodies of text really need to be broken up. It's excellent that you're starting a new paragraph each time a character speaks but you need to break the rest of the story up also.
With further proofreading you could fix up a few more issues and don't forget to [indent] your paragraphs also.
Finally a pet peeve of mine, clips. I'll direct you to Dave's thread regarding the issue here for further details.
Another thing, two magazines and two fragmentation grenades is hardly a combat load. I would have expected at least six to eight magazines if not upwards of ten and at least four fragmentation grenades.
Regardless a very fine read, nice ending also.
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We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.
Will you keep my secrets hope to die? |
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Webbo227
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Joined: 26 Oct 2008
Posts: 3
Location: You can delete this profile.
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| Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for your time, all the points made have been taken into account so that for chapter 3 (Delayed) will meet a higher standard.
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