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The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Excavation

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 1:55 pm    Post subject: The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Excavation Reply with quote

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The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Excavation
Posted by QuantumSheep (jasnash@optusnet.com.au)
18 October 2008, 8:00 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=QuantumSheep1018080800151.html
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 10:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad.

The introduction was very well done and original. Nice ending too. Really makes me want to read more to see what happened to Hanley.

Just a couple of things caught my attention though. On the story, if Lukas was Hanley's aide, I would have made him at least a senior NCO if not a Lieutenant/Captain.

As for the writing itself, the first sentence I found to be unnecessariliy long, maybe break that up a but more and don't forget to indent your paragraphs!

There were some typing errors and sentence structure problems that through me off but I enjoyed it.

Well done.
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QuantumSheep
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Joined: 23 May 2008
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 12:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for that. I'll try indenting from now on. Oh, and Lukas was a last minute addition (he wasn't in my original plan), after all, Hanley needed somebody to talk to.
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