HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Marine, the Rebel and the Sangheili: Excavation
Posted by QuantumSheep (jasnash@optusnet.com.au)
18 October 2008, 8:00 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=QuantumSheep1018080800151.html

fallschirmjager · Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 10:53 pm Post subject:

Not bad.

The introduction was very well done and original. Nice ending too. Really makes me want to read more to see what happened to Hanley.

Just a couple of things caught my attention though. On the story, if Lukas was Hanley's aide, I would have made him at least a senior NCO if not a Lieutenant/Captain.

As for the writing itself, the first sentence I found to be unnecessariliy long, maybe break that up a but more and don't forget to indent your paragraphs!

There were some typing errors and sentence structure problems that through me off but I enjoyed it.

Well done.
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?

QuantumSheep · Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 12:02 am Post subject:

Thanks for that. I'll try indenting from now on. Oh, and Lukas was a last minute addition (he wasn't in my original plan), after all, Hanley needed somebody to talk to.