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Recon, part 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 1:55 pm    Post subject: Recon, part 1 Reply with quote

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Recon, part 1
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
17 October 2008, 11:03 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer1017082303531.html
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Useful Dave
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 2:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why get I get the feeling theres an Opposing Force here... Wink

I'm not exactly great at constructive critcism, but I noted at least one thing which was certainly abit wrong.

Quote:
"We don't know. Prowler Say My Name has been in contact with city's urban infrastructure AI,


Isn't the Prowler it contacts Tokyo Rules, where the cruiser the agent who is thought to be the ODST was on is called Say My Name?

And yes, I noticed the lil' "We're pulling out" part too.

I assume you're a VALVe games fan then? Razz
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 6:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed I am. I always felt Shephard deserved more time than he got in OpFor, so here's his time to shine. Very Happy
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baneofdeath
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Continuing your streak of exelence i see, i thought it was really good.

I was a fan of the Attack on Installation 06 series, and this series had a good start,

After the last story i read it was good to see a fine Fic, this was very wel done, there was alot of feeling in this story.

Only one thing
Quote:
1st Recon's frequencies were blaring with activity: "Wooo-HOOOOO!" "Cut the chatter, Private." "Colonel, is that a goddamn Assault Carrier over the city?" "Looks like it." "It's---holy shit, it's making a slipspace jump! That carrier is making a---"


This was one clusterf*ck of not making new paragraph after every time a new person talks, but other then that this was good.

BTW, are you continuing that other series?
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Last edited by baneofdeath on Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:21 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Col. Knadan
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jake, please finish Attack on Installation o6 then start a new series. Okay?
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 10:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was just a quick break, Colonel. Besides, I won't be able to continue this until Recon comes out! Razz
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 1:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting. And yes I picked up on your little OpFor shenanigans also.

Something that bothered me apart from has already been mentioned was this line:

Quote:
"I think it's safe to assume that New Mombasa is fast falling under Covie control."


No matter how many times I run it through my head, I could never see someone like a senior commanding officer calling the Covenant, "Covie", even regular soldiers. The term just seems so childish.

As for the story, pretty good. I really like some of your conversations, the scene with Sergeant Brock outside the briefing room although your classic "boy meets girl" moment, was enjoyable.

An interesting take on the Recon trailers and I'd like to see more, Jake.
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 12:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK, I'll try and correct that in future installments.

And regarding the paragraph of comm chatter, that's a [bad, I guess] habit I picked up from Aaron Allston one of Star Wars' premiere writers. Whenever he wanted to show comm chatter being picked up by a character, he'd have it all in one paragraph. Again, I'll try and correct this issue in the future.
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DevilsInject
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like.. alot. I really wasent botherd by anything other than the (like others) Covie ordeal.. I really dont like that, seems frankly.. child-like. That would be like calling an Elite, Leety. Nicknames are overall BAD for this situation.

-Mike Twisted Evil
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 8:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haven't actually read it yet, but felt like commenting on the term Covie. Sure, it might sound childish, but military slang can be childish and immature. It especially makes sense when you consider a lot of the UNSC is 18 year old conscripts, and when you consider the precedent set by the term Innie in CH. So I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Just my $.02, though.
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You haven't read yet, kr? I'm shocked. You're probably my biggest proponent on these boards. Razz
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 10:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read the draft you posted. I'll get to this one, though, don't worry. Wink
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've got a solid piece here. I wouldn't worry about waiting for Recon, though. Yiu've probably gone too far from the actual canon anyways, so you might as well run with it. Noncanon pieces can still be fun.

There were a few sloppy GPS errors here and there, though, and a couple of awkwardly worded sentences. The parts after the briefing all seem to go by a little too fast, too. Remember that the HEVs are launched from upper orbit, and the time till impact might be closer to a few minutes than the half a minute or so you seem to imply. That may not have been wjat you meant, either, but you need to be clear on the passage of time.

Now for the really minor nitpicky things. I've always been taught you don't use parentheses in fiction. That's essay writing, and it breaks the flow in fiction. And the 1138 reference? Would there really be that many pods on a frigate? Razz Like I said, nitpicky.

Anyways, good work here. And at this point, don't bother with canon. Recon is so far off, it's not really worth it.
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